"A deep breath to steady herself. A willing of the mind to focus on what's more important. A striving to try to forget what just transpired. The mind, however could only do so much when emotions barrel in like an avalanche. And when this happens, there is only a sagging of the shoulders and heaving wracking sobs. He looks at her, looking at everything that just happened, quiet, observant, silent. When the avalanche rolls in he approaches her, brings his little hands to her face and kisses the tears not one time but twice, all the while murmuring indecipherable words of comfort. All at once the sobbing calms down. And what is only heard is, 'Thank you, little prince.' "
As a parent, it is our natural instinct to do things for our children or provide them with everything so that they wouldn't want for anything in this world. So they wouldn't suffer or sacrifice as much as we did. So they can live an easier life than we did. As simple as carrying them so they won't have to tire out walking long distances, carrying their heavy bags for them, and even clearing our own throats whenever they cough--as if this actually works, but we do it nonetheless for no other reason than the belief of the sheer force of positive thinking that we can take away whatever pain or hardships they have to go through. With everything we plan and do to take care of them, we often forget ourselves. And more than that, we forget our children.
We forget ourselves.
Mothers are the best examples of what I'm saying. I'm not saying all, though. Take this example: Grocery / Shopping list-- 95% of the budget goes to kids' needs. Sometimes even the 5% still goes to their wants. Another example-- Before going to school or work: Get the kids all ready and prepared, their bags ready to go and snacks all tucked in, their uniforms or whatever clothes they'll be wearing pressed to the last wrinkle. And the mother? Darn if she can remember to put some lipstick on in the car, 3 minutes before arriving for work. Lastly, whenever personal problems arise, mothers do their absolute best not to break down in front of the children, shove their personal issues aside and revert their attention back to the kids. We forget ourselves. We forget to take care of ourselves. And we forget that taking care of our own personal health and sanity is essential so we can fully take care of our children.
We forget our children.
In our efforts and preoccupation of doing everything for them, helping them out, we sometimes tend to forget their own strength and resilience. To an extent, we underestimate their abilities. We think that they don't know half of the world yet and what it takes to survive in it. Which is probably true in most cases. But every now and then something happens. Something happens to prove our perception of them of not being able to understand, or to face or simply to be ready yet to be completely untrue.
I use the word "we" not to say that every parent does this. I mean it to say me personally and those who can relate to the scenarios I've been explaining. God knows, how different and similar at the same time special needs parents and "normal" ones go through.
My boys surprise me in ways I wouldn't have imagined. It was Garret this time who stopped and made my heart beat faster all at the same time. With all my beating and skipping heart I knew with an overwhelming realization that what just happened was that he bravely broke down the walls of autism when he cupped my tear-stained face into his little boy hands and kissed my tears away.
On that particular day, my little prince brought me to my senses once more. As clear as the skies are on a summer day, he reminded me loudly, plainly and clearly of two things. One- "Mama, I am here. Let me take care of you. I will wipe your tears away." And Two, "I can be strong for you too. I am strong. I am resilient. I am capable of anything. This is why I need you to take care of yourself too. Because I cannot be who I am and who I am meant to be without you."
What better proof do I need in order for me not to forget my child for the most beautiful, the most able work of art and creation that he is? What better reminder do I need in order for me to realize the most important and basic fact of all in parenting, that I need to take care of myself too?
On that particular day as well, Morgan was not without a role, although comical as his personality dictates him to be. Just remembering it now brings a smile to my face. How he can be so "kengkoy" as we say in our vernacular. While all of our Oscar-worthy performance was going on, a smelly odor wafted in the room. Morgan all crouched beside the bed, face furrowed in concentration. I don't need to spell it out for you, do I? Needless to say I cleaned him up afterwards with tears and laughter all mixed in my bowl that day. I am laughing now as I remember a Cebuano saying to deal with sorrow, "I-utot lang na day, mawagtang lagi nang problema." (You just fart it out and all your problems will dissipate into thin air.)Was that Morgan's way of comforting me? I don't know. Sometimes it may seem like I'm putting words into my boys actions or Morgan's poop for that matter. But when you think about it, that's how insight comes, right? From our own hypothesizing, analyzing and concluding. As I am typing this right now, true to his personality, Morgan relentlessly tries to get my attention by sitting on my lap, facing me and grinning at me with his widest grin that all his gums are on showcase. The "bungisngis" face. I stop occasionally to kiss his chubby cheeks and he moves on.
My Garret, my little prince with his pure heart of gold. My Morgan, with all the personality you could tuck in a 5 year-old body. My piece of heaven. My purpose. The whole point of this otherwise pointless life. Both of you know better what life is really all about. Way better than I'll ever know. Thank you my little prince and feisty king. Thank you my boys. Mama loves you more than you'll ever know.
To end this post, Sonnet XVII of Pablo Neruda comes to mind. I first read this 10 years ago. The words were rich in depth and so powerful, that much I knew. I just didn't know that I would finally come to understand the depth and power of it until I became a mother. This is for you my boys:
Sonnet XVII
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
:-)
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