I haven't written about my boys for a while now. It's been a year that I've decided to be a full-time mom to them and I found myself immersing in the full experience from sun up to sun down of being present for them and with them. Several times an insight appears acknowledging the many different milestones they have achieved in the past year and me wanting to write about them but then never really following it through. Writing was my way of immortalizing moments in time that were probably never going to happen again or simply things that needed to be remembered for all time. This is still true. However, as much as the past year has been about a decision to be fully present for them, it was equally a choice to also be fully present for myself. Present for all the turbulence and calm, the grief and joys, the brevity and in-betweens of navigating relationships, realities and dreams in the process of fruition or right in the middle of failings, of my very human experience. One would say perhaps the past year was really more about finding home in myself, in my role as a mother and the other roles I had to play.
A few days ago, an insight
appeared. It was this: "I almost
missed it." “It” referred to how my first-born, Garret has now learned to use the
term "change" for different situations already. He started using the
word for whenever I arrived home from work before and he wanted me to
immediately change my work clothes to house clothes. And it remained with only
this reference for quite a few years. Then he was able to apply it to when we
were about to go out for their favorite activity of joy riding in the car and
they had to change into going-out clothes. As of recent, he has now been using
it to request me to change the movie he is watching on Netflix or YouTube. For
those of you who aren't familiar with Autism, language impairment is a
significant hurdle and so when a milestone as "easy" as accurately
applying a concept to a similar situation happens, it is a huge achievement. I
give thanks for this gift and once again strive to appreciate it by
acknowledging his milestone, telling him what a good job he did communicating
with me what he wanted to communicate.
At times I catch myself from
imposing on him that he needs to finish an entire movie before choosing to
watch another one in an attempt to teach him perseverance or a simple
completion of a task through sustained attention before moving on to the
next. During these times I give my son a break and myself too and just relish
the moment and let him be. It's fine, I tell myself. It's okay. We have our
whole life to learn this. There is no rush. Change after all in many ways is
needed.
After a hiatus of writing about
my boys, I feel compelled to write about this particular experience primarily
because the word "change" has been my lighthouse of the past year and
especially the two years ago when my mother died. I would like to think I too
have learned how to use the word change in my own life more accurately, encompassing
all that seems impossible to be included. I am learning to accept that all
things no matter how permanent they should be should, in some way, change if I
am to evolve into the human being I am meant to be. Certain psychic and emotional
ties must be severed, old patterns of behavior discarded, life priorities must
be sifted and shifted. And this is fine. This is perfectly okay. Human beings
were never meant to be rigid and stuck in one place. If I am to learn about the
nature of life, then I need to take my cue from my son. So many times I thought
his use of a particular word would remain in one context. And then overtime, it
shifts. It expands. His language grows. He communicates better. I tell myself
now, this I shouldn't miss. This I should be all the more present for. So this
I should write about.
So here it is. Here I am writing
and sharing to you, whoever you are reading this, a tidbit of a milestone about
my first-born. A pinpoint of an insight in my recent life. I'm making sure not
to miss it by immortalizing it through words. I'm being fully present for it. I'm returning home to myself, this time embracing all that I have been and am-- all the roles I played, being a mother most of all . And I hope it compels you to be fully present for and with your own milestones
and insights through the many different and absolutely necessary changes in
your life too. After all, we are all just having a very human experience.
Perhaps not all the time a happy experience but certainly a life-changing one.
And what is this life if we are not present for it and with it? What is this life if we do not find home within ourselves?
Namaste.
