Embracing Change

 

          I haven't written about my boys for a while now. It's been a year that I've decided to be a full-time mom to them and I found myself immersing in the full experience from sun up to sun down of being present for them and with them. Several times an insight appears acknowledging the many different milestones they have achieved in the past year and me wanting to write about them but then never really following it through. Writing was my way of immortalizing moments in time that were probably never going to happen again or simply things that needed to be remembered for all time. This is still true. However, as much as the past year has been about a decision to be fully present for them, it was equally a choice to also be fully present for myself. Present for all the turbulence and calm, the grief and joys, the brevity and in-betweens of navigating relationships, realities and dreams in the process of fruition or right in the middle of failings, of my very human experience. One would say perhaps the past year was really more about finding home in myself, in my role as a mother and the other roles I had to play.

          A few days ago, an insight appeared. It was this:  "I almost missed it." “It” referred to how my first-born, Garret has now learned to use the term "change" for different situations already. He started using the word for whenever I arrived home from work before and he wanted me to immediately change my work clothes to house clothes. And it remained with only this reference for quite a few years. Then he was able to apply it to when we were about to go out for their favorite activity of joy riding in the car and they had to change into going-out clothes. As of recent, he has now been using it to request me to change the movie he is watching on Netflix or YouTube. For those of you who aren't familiar with Autism, language impairment is a significant hurdle and so when a milestone as "easy" as accurately applying a concept to a similar situation happens, it is a huge achievement. I give thanks for this gift and once again strive to appreciate it by acknowledging his milestone, telling him what a good job he did communicating with me what he wanted to communicate.

          At times I catch myself from imposing on him that he needs to finish an entire movie before choosing to watch another one in an attempt to teach him perseverance or a simple completion of a task  through sustained attention before moving on to the next. During these times I give my son a break and myself too and just relish the moment and let him be. It's fine, I tell myself. It's okay. We have our whole life to learn this. There is no rush. Change after all in many ways is needed.

          After a hiatus of writing about my boys, I feel compelled to write about this particular experience primarily because the word "change" has been my lighthouse of the past year and especially the two years ago when my mother died. I would like to think I too have learned how to use the word change in my own life more accurately, encompassing all that seems impossible to be included. I am learning to accept that all things no matter how permanent they should be should, in some way, change if I am to evolve into the human being I am meant to be. Certain psychic and emotional ties must be severed, old patterns of behavior discarded, life priorities must be sifted and shifted. And this is fine. This is perfectly okay. Human beings were never meant to be rigid and stuck in one place. If I am to learn about the nature of life, then I need to take my cue from my son. So many times I thought his use of a particular word would remain in one context. And then overtime, it shifts. It expands. His language grows. He communicates better. I tell myself now, this I shouldn't miss. This I should be all the more present for. So this I should write about.

          So here it is. Here I am writing and sharing to you, whoever you are reading this, a tidbit of a milestone about my first-born. A pinpoint of an insight in my recent life. I'm making sure not to miss it by immortalizing it through words. I'm being fully present for it. I'm returning home to myself, this time embracing all that I have been and am-- all the roles I played, being a mother most of all .  And I hope it compels you to be fully present for and with your own milestones and insights through the many different and absolutely necessary changes in your life too. After all, we are all just having a very human experience. Perhaps not all the time a happy experience but certainly a life-changing one. And what is this life if we are not present for it and with it? What is this life if we do not find home within ourselves? 

          Namaste. 

Of Transformations and The Search for Happiness

"Garret are you happy?"

"A-pee." He replies, smiling at me as I take his picture.

We finally decided to bring the boys to Visayas State University after several months of talking about it and not really having the time to actually do it. To say it was a worthwhile experience one that we plan to revisit time and again is an understatement.

The university atmosphere is endearing. The mountainous landscape filled with various kinds of foliage and flora are soothing to the senses, calming to the soul. And those majestic, giant trees that beautifully splay the rays of sunlight are a sight to see! A blatant contrast to my college years in the heart of Osmeña Boulevard. I wonder, if I had known there was a place like this 17 years ago, would I have chosen to study in this university? With my brazen, city-girl, must-be-close-to-home- like tendencies back then? Probably not. But now, as my eyes devoured everything in sight from the college students contentedly hanging around with books filled with highlighted marks, pen doodles and whatnot, laptops, having pre-finals reviews and club meetings, to the giant trees that looked like fern gully surrounding these "kolehiyalas", from the dirty ice cream and tempura vendor where students lined up for, to the lamplight and fallen leaves lining up walkways, a thought emerged, " I could study here. If there ever were post graduate programs that interest me in this university, I would enroll in a heartbeat. God, I could live here."

Amazing how with a 45-minute exploration of a place such as VSU I can affirm to myself how much I have changed and how much I have remained the same over the span of more than ten years. I find myself looking for comfort in the most unadulterated, unsophisticated ways, well not that I was much of a high-maintenance kind of person. But somehow, I am discovering there is more pleasure to be found in the understated, underrated, in the down-to-earth, in the uncomplicated. The hubris of youth excludes no one after all. The want for attention and blitz somehow are slowly stripped away down to its very core. And what is left is what is essential. Not to be misunderstood, I am discontented with mere complacency and I still yearn for that which moves me-- stimulating conversations, intelligent ones, the ones that speak to your soul, a display of artistry and craftsmanship whether in theater performances, poetry readings, book readings, writing, advocacy that represent the life you are living or fighting for. Above, beyond and beneath it all, I am finding that at the beginning of every endeavor I choose to take, I ask myself the question, "For what purpose?" And if for no other reason other than it feeds my soul, for no other reason than to find happiness, then the journey is on its way.

The transformation of oneself is astonishing as it is necessary. A change in beliefs, some values maybe, behavior and to an extent personality even, can occur as one ages. Perhaps it's the getting older that allows for almost an immediate preference and a deeper appreciation of the subtler, simpler and quieter things in life. The less clutter and noise, the better, kind of attitude. But then again age is just a biological occurrence, perhaps it is what we bring to aging, the life changes we go through, crises or milestones of triumphs that constitute the so-called "aging gracefully" and perhaps create a certain profoundness in perspective, a transformation of the self.

As for me, I am grateful to have been given the wonderful blessing and opportunity that some do not have, to bear and bring two beautiful human beings into this life. I may not be in the least bit graceful nor close to being profound but I find myself to be ever-changing, constantly transforming into a different, maybe a better or a more resilient version of myself. And I have my two boys to thank for every time this happens. Becoming a mother and parenting them is truly one of the most beautiful milestones I could ever have reached.

Anais Nin could never have said it any better when she said, "I take pleasure in my transformations. I look quiet and consistent but few know how many women there are in me."

Garret and Morgan teach me everyday to find beauty in the ordinary, contentment in the absence of frivolities and joy in the daily miracles of life. And as I look at their faces taking in everything about this place, the peace and quiet of Visayas State University in the city of Baybay, Leyte, I am reminded once more how indeed, very little is needed to be truly happy.

Perhaps a significant part of the "very little" which is needed to be happy, is the willingness to change and transform in ways that are sometimes incomprehensible. Transformation is necessary, if we are to find our joy, I believe. Because even our definition of happiness changes as time does too.

In the next decade or so, who knows how much of myself will have transformed again? All I know is that I look forward to it. My boys make sure that I look forward to it and teach me time and again to take pleasure in it-- transformations and miracles, every single day.

On the ride home, Garret and Morgan are laughing to their hearts content, looking at me with meaningful eyes as if to say they had the best afternoon. If one or both of them would have asked me if I was happy too, without missing a beat, I would reply, "A-pee, my boys very a-pee."

Post script: More photos to come especially of the majestic trees I am raving about and yes, of Morgan too. Oh and yeah, talking about aging and stuff will probably make you ask how old I am. I always have one answer to anyone, in their right mind, who asks about my age-- 25. Forever 25. ;-)