It is late afternoon and the rain is pouring down seemingly never-ending, cold air blowing. But I am warm. I'm home with my two boys, watching their all-time favorite movie, Cars. Morgan snuggles beside me, Garret on the other end of the sofa, his two feet digging under my legs. I look at the two of them, I close my eyes and whisper, "Thank you. Thank you for my two boys. Baruch hashem..."
Baruch Hashem is a Jewish tradition thanking God one hundred times a day for every positive or negative thing that happens in our lives, thanking God for life as we know it. The one profound blessing that autism has brought into our lives is a greater appreciation of all things that has come to be, good or bad, beautiful, terrible, triumph and tragedy. Much to be thankful for. My prayer for the past few days and for the coming days until I run out of things to be thankful for, which is impossible, will be this and a hundred more:
1. For Garret's uniqueness--he is absolutely unlike any other kid. Baruch Hashem!
I used to compare my child to his typically developing peers. Thoughts like, "Garret should have been learning how to read right now. He should already have been telling me how his day went in school right now" used to bombard me and it has brought me nothing but frustration. More importantly I realize I failed to see Garret's light and ability and instead focused on his disability. Garret does not deserve to be compared to any other child. He was born unique, thus there is absolutely no basis for comparison. He may not know how to read yet, but in one of many rare moments, he has shown how reading abc's is just a tip of the iceberg. One time I was visibly upset and crying, he approached me and carefully put the hair covering my face behind my ears and touched my face in the most gentle of ways and mumbled words only he could understand as if to comfort me. Garret knows how to read my emotions. He soothed my pain in a way that no other person could at that time. He certainly is my little prince. Baruch Hashem..
2. For temper tantrums and meltdowns-- stretching my patience, expanding my tolerance. Baruch Hashem!
I used to have crystal clear ideas how to discipline my child should the situation call for it. I decided back then not to spare the rod. I'm the mother therefore I'm the one in charge. I decided that if I have to scream at the top of my lungs at my child to prove my point, then I will. If I have to spank him, then I will. This was before. This is now.
Garret wants to do something. This time, playing with water in a bottle in front of the t.v. was his choice. So he taps my arm and gestures for me to open the water bottle. Of course, I do not need to explain why I should refuse him the pleasure. But he does not understand. He insists. I continually refuse and tell him, "Not now, Garret, tomorrow during bath time only." As expected, he cries and whines. I ignore him. Reacting to him in a violent or in an angry manner only reinforces the behavior. I keep telling him in a calm voice, "It's ok, Garret, let's play something else." He tries another tactic. He screams at the top of his lungs! "Aaaaaaah!" I stop myself from giving in. He tries to slap me. I immediately move away and continue to ignore him. Eventually he tires himself out and quiets down. In the process of his cooling down, my heart is screaming to hold him and tell him it's ok, but I have to control myself. He has to learn how to soothe himself. And he needs to learn that things don't always go his way.
My patience has been stretched and my effort to understand his autism working has expanded. Thank you God for allowing me to be a better mother. Thank you God for teaching me how to teach my son tough love. Maybe not in the most conventional of ways, but still tough love and more importantly, LOVE, nonetheless.
3. For words unsaid-- for actions that matter more. Baruch Hashem!
When Garret is happy, he smiles his heavenly cherubic smile with the twinkle and sparkle in his eyes that none could compare. He laughs his belly-aching laughter if he wants to. Especially when his father tickles him to bits. When he sees Andro, he is ecstatic. It means it's time for play and rough housing! Andro tosses him to the bed and he bounces off it. His father hugs him tight until he can't take it anymore, turns bright red and they dissolve into fits of laughter. He absolutely loves this. Every time this happens, I declare, "Garret is happy!" I don't know if he knows the meaning of my words, but I declare it with joy nonetheless to whoever is listening. I am the wordy one after all. His father, on the other hand, is the "action" man (hmmm sounds like a super hero ;-). Garret cannot say these words, yet he shows it in the most explicit of ways. There is no way to misunderstand him when he is in his joy bubble. Of course, the opposite of happy tries to pop his joy bubble everyday. When he does not like the show on t.v., he turns it off. When his brother Morgan whines for no reason at all, he approaches his brother and tries to close Morgan's mouth, just like the t.v. switch!!! And when he is angry, you guessed it, he has no problems telling you off in his own nonverbal way. There is no miscommunication here. Or maybe Andro and I have grown to be experts of understanding the language of our son.
Thank you, God for teaching Andro and I to be persons of actions through Garret's unsaid language. For making us understand that to love, grins, laughter, tears and tight embraces are enough. Baruch Hashem! For both Andro and I to realize that we need to say what we want to say because we are able to. To show our love for each other in the most concrete of ways because there is no other way to show it. To listen to unsaid words and hidden hurts, and to start loving each other better now because there is no better time than today. Baruch Hashem!
In a little while, Andro arrives. Garret has spiked a slight fever and is lying down on the sofa. Morgan runs around the house. He carries Morgan. As usual, the naughty one, he wriggles free and prefers to run around the family room. He then approaches Garret and starts to tickle him. Garret with his fever and all smiles and giggles his heart out. Rain is still falling outside. But I am warm. We are all safe and warm. Baruch Hashem!!!
(Thank you, Elaine Hall, author of Now I See the Moon, and creator of The Miracle Project, for inspiring me through your experience written in the most profound of words. You are a God send.)
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