Friday, February 25, 2011

The Meaning of Life

           At the age of 7 or 8 years old, children become very philosophical and start asking questions like the meaning of life, how it is made, how life is formed, or simply,"How was I made?' or more concretely,  "Mom, what do boyfriends and girlfriends do?" How do you even begin to formulate an answer concise enough to satisfy their curiosity? or at least substantial enough to begin teaching them, well, the real meaning of life without confusing them? A few already have ready answers in their pockets in the hopes of preserving their child's innocence for as long as they can. I was amused with some of their answers, " Boyfriends and girlfriends go to church and stay as far away as possible and they pray." This is funny. Yet it doesn't really answer anything. Nor does it even tell a quarter of the truth. Going back to the question, what indeed is the meaning of life?  More importantly, how do we teach our children what life is? Do we define it for them? Do we let them discover the world on their own?

           Ever since Garret was diagnosed with Autism, life, for us,  took a different turn. Expectations had to be erased. Old beliefs disproved, and our faith questioned. The dreams I had for him--conventional dreams, that is, were "broken". I wanted him to be a theater performer or a writer, or an eloquent speaker. I wanted him to meet the girl of his dreams and spend numerous sunrises and sunsets with her. In short, just like all parents, I wanted the my child to experience and have "best" of everything. Sadly, I realized, I became one of those parents who was creating an identity for their child because of their own dreams not realized or because of their unaccomplished aspirations. So, as you can imagine, on March 2008, when the doctor laid all the cards on the table, I simply broke down. CNN kept on playing documentaries of children with autism, which further intensified the reality of it all.  At the time, I could not accept what fate had given us. I went inside the room and wept. Andro came in and held me. I remember saying, what will happen to Garret? "Malu-oy ko ni Garret". And in the most comforting, reassuring and realistic tone, my husband, told me,  " Honey, Garret is not abnormal, he doesn't have a disease, he is just different." The load on my shoulders lifted. I nodded and said to myself, "He is only different. So why am I weeping?" And as if reading my thoughts, Andro added, " He is unique and special, and he is our son. And we will love him no matter what."

        Looking back, I now realize that I was weeping because, like I said, my own dreams for him were broken. Of course, I know now how foolish I had been to dwell in these notions. I am in no place to demand from my son what he should do, what he should become and what he should accomplish. He is his own person, Autistic or not. It was as if God was telling me out rightly, "There you go again, planning your own plans, not even consulting me. Remember, I alone know everything. and I alone make the plans." There it was. Enough was said.

        So back to the question, what is the meaning of life? And better yet, how do I teach Garret the meaning of Life? With all that our family has been through, I think I may have found the answer, defined in our own terms: Life is love. Love in the purest most unconditional sense. Love is learning to take things and people as they are, not as what it or they should be--no expectations, no what must be's. Life is love exemplified... And how do I teach Garret all this?  I think it has been the other way around. With his autism, it may seem as if he already knows all that is most essential. God has formed him this way. He has been given the gift of life and love. He is our gift. And our gift-- our Garret has been teaching us what life really is.

         As for Morgan? Well, we are still waiting for life to unfold for him. But what we do know for sure is that when he begins to become philosophical and asks how life is formed, what life is, and what love is?,  we will tell him, "Look at your Kuya, life is all about loving your brother for all that he is and will be."  and as for Love? For the sunrises and sunsets he will spend with the love of his life? Maybe I will show him how their father and I have held on to each other through autism, through everything, thus far.

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