Thursday, June 2, 2011

Hands Held Tight

The cashier counter was full of customers lining up to pay for their goods. One customer, in particular, caught my attention. She was a mother with a toddler hanging on to the hem of her shirt. After she paid for her items, carrying the plastic bag in one hand and her purse in another, they went out of the convenience store. By they, I mean only she and her child. Her child was around 3 or 4 years old of small stature. It was quite apparent that the mother was used to her child tagging along. The mother was not holding her son's hand as her own hands were full. Her child clung to her thigh as they walked out to the street where cars were rushing in all directions. This particular scene stuck in my head like a post-it with double sided tape on the back. I was amazed at how nonchalant the mother was as they prepared to cross the street without holding her son's hand. She was relying on the fact that he stood closely by her side. I was also awed at how cleverly and smartly the child did not run across the street or leave his mother's side. I thought to myself, " Well, this boy has certainly learned his survival instincts early." Further, I convinced myself, " Probably it was the mom's intent to let her son be independent at such a young age, thus the nonchalance. Most likely, like normal kids, he listens to a verbal command of" Don't run or Stay close to Mama." But still, I couldn't shake the image off.


When I bring my two boys to the grocery, as much as possible I grip their hand tight and don't let go until we are back in the car (with the help of the caregiver, of course). I don't mean to be judgmental about other mothers, this scenario just lead me to another striking realization how my mother instincts and protective guards are way up more than others. Or, is it possible that with our situation, with Autism and all, that I am simply given the gift and the opportunity every single day to hold my child's hand almost all of the time? Isn't that what we, in the end, long for? To hold on to our children for as long as we can? Even if we need time for ourselves, and even if we are well aware how our children need to grow up and be on their own eventually. For us, they will forever be our newborns cradled safely in our arms, or at least at an arms length. I certainly don't have absolute answers. But Autism has graced me with numerous insights.


Often times I have wondered what the future holds for us, for Garret, for Morgan, for Andro and me. 5 years from now, 10 years from now. I often wonder how long I can continue to keep them safe from harm. For how long we can hold our boys' hands and keep them from running towards danger. And it turns my insides into knots every single time. When this happens, I close my eyes,say the Serenity Prayer, and say to myself, God will make a way. And this always comforts me.


Holding it all together is one of the toughest challenges parents of children with Autism face. Notwithstanding the behavioral hurdles of our children, much of what comprises a "good day" and distinguishes it from a "bad" one is on how parents work together as a team or as partners. The divorce rate for parents of children with Autism abroad are remarkably high. This is a sad reality considering how these children need all the more family stability and support. But then again, it is not my intention to criticize what I do not know entirely. Statistics, after all, are just that. The real story in every marriage, in every family can only be rightly viewed and judged by the very people who live in that reality. We have our own stories. We each carry our own burdens. And we are the only ones who know the limits of our strength, patience and perseverance. Beyond all the complications of a relationship, a partnership- a marriage, a quote lingers in my mind, the meaning of which I understand only now--


Here it is;


Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry-


I would like to add a few more words to this quote; "while holding each others hands tight".


I remember during my 8th month of pregnancy with Garret, friends threw a baby shower for me. A dedication on one of the gifts said," The best gift you could ever give your child is your love for one another." Could this message have been prophetic? Who knows? Nevertheless, this stayed with me since then.


For parents with Autism, the pressure to keep a relationship brimming with love and passion for each other while maintaining some form of sanity and joy in raising the children is relentless. And the only way we can get through this seemingly impossible feat is to never lose sight of what is important. To remember what is important to us-- our love, our marriage, our relationship, our partnership. Because once we remember and live by this proverb, it will translate to our children. The strength of our grip on each others hand, the security of our embrace will in turn be the safety of our children. If we hold on to each other, then we can hold on to our children.


Our love for each other, our consistency in always looking in the same direction, our resolve never to let go of each others hands is our greatest gift to Garret and Morgan. This time, it is not just about our individual needs and wants. It is that and much more. It is a phenomenon, a blessing, a state of grace beyond our humanness. Is Autism the name for it? I don't know. Maybe, most definitely.


I watch the mother and child cross the street and my attention is diverted to a man coming over to me in a blue shirt and blue jeans carrying a plastic bag full of dvds we will watch later in the evening. It is my life partner. He asked me to wait for him at the convenience store before I cross the street to where our vehicle is parked. I meet him. He searches for my right hand, links it with his. We hold hands as we safely cross the street. And I smile, content with the comfort and warmth of his grip on mine.


Everyday is a commitment that needs work. Everyday strength is needed to get through. And everyday, Autism is teaching us the most important things in life. Garret and Morgan is teaching us every single day to hold on. To hold on to faith, to hold on to God, to hold on to hope. To hold on to grace. To hold on to each other. We are definitely not perfect parents or partners by any means. We are constantly a work in progress.


And we will continue to be for as long as we both shall live, not only because of the vows we declared in front of God and the entire assembly, not only for both of us, but most importantly, more than anything else, for our two boys.


Life indeed has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction with hands held tight.

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