Tougher than Life

It was already 11:15 a.m. Fifteen minutes more to go before Garret finishes his Sped

Class, when I heard his distinct whine or more like crying. I went in the other room to ask the other teachers what it was about. One of the teachers showed me an artwork made by one of the students which was made of a yakult bottle painted yellow with a smiley face on it. "Nahadlok si Garret ani pagkakita niya ani mam. Mao to ni hilak siya kay naka kita cya ani." (When Garret saw the yellow painted smiley yakult bottle, for some reason, he got scared and cried.) It took him some time to calm down, all the while his teacher was telling him that it's ok, while he was dressing up, which was part of his self-care activities in class. When he finally went out from the classroom, he was okay already although there were some tear streaks on his face. I wiped his cheeks with my hands. " It's okay, kuya. It's okay. Don't cry na ha. It's just a small thing. And you are a big boy. Don't be afraid na ha.", I comforted him.

When the teacher showed me the yakult bottle art work, my immediate reaction was that of pity , for lack of a better term to translate "lu-oy" , for my child. He was scared of this miniature piece of work to the point of tears. At that particular moment, my heart was twisted in knots as I felt his fear. Of course, there is no rational explanation as to why Garret would be scared of it. Much like why children are afraid of certain things, like the dark, for instance. Plain and simple, he was just scared. And he just needed it to disappear and he just needed somebody to tell him that it's okay. Obviously, he recovered quite quickly. HE did. I did not.

For the past weeks, I have been in a blizzard of emotions to the point that my writing pen ran out of ink. I felt I needed to experience all the hail and rain and flood so I can purify my system. I needed to reexamine my principles, my values, who I really am, what my role is, what my purpose is in this life and where home truly is. And at some point I felt that maybe I couldn't write again because of the monsters I was and still am facing. But just like all the other miracles in my life, I was given another one to pull me out of the pit I was wallowing in. And yes, the miracle worker was my son.

At that particular moment when I saw the object that he was so afraid of, it was as if a rock was thrown at me and shook me out of my senses. It was as if the Universe was telling me, no, yelling at me , rather, " See, you are not the only one facing monsters in your closet. Everybody is facing them, including your own son. And look how he has dealt with it. And it is perfectly okay to be scared. It is okay to be scared shitless about it. It is okay to weep and rage and be angry. But more than anything it is okay to pull yourself together because life is too beautiful to be stuck in this situation that life has thrown at you."

To try to explain Garret's fear of this particular object and other scenarios he is scared of will be like understanding why the earth is round, why there are stars in the sky and why the sun continues to beat down on our faces even if our grief is overwhelming. Children with Autism have sensory dysfunctions which just simply means, that their system cannot process and filter information the way other normal children do. Their systems cannot cope with the sensory input from the environment like a click on a button. And so when their fears manifest, their reactions are extreme and full blown most of the times. Eventually they recover and they are able to manage their fears through constant exposure and adaptation. What the Sped Teachers and Therapist do is to desensitize them, to expose them constantly to the cause of their fear assuring them all the while that it is okay. Simply speaking, Garret, along with his other classmates are made to face their fears, whether it is a visit to the dentist, getting a haircut at the barbershop, a visit to the doctor, a plane ride and many others. Once they get the hang of it, they are also quick to recover and act as if the dental clinic is their own territory. In the process, they learn to adapt , they learn courage. They learn to be resilient. They learn conquer what they are most afraid of.

So you see, my son is stronger than I am. He is teaching the kind of strength and courage that will carry me through these tough times. He is showing me how stronger he is than his fears, his eccentricities, his sensory processing disorders, his autism. He is stronger than all these combined. He is teaching me that life is tough but he is tougher. And so am I. Garret is teaching me that it is okay to be scared. It is okay to be afraid of the future and all the uncertainties that go with it. It is okay not to know what will happen sometimes. It is okay to take risks and give it all that you've got. It is okay to fight until the very end even to the point of no return. And it is okay to confront the thing that I am most afraid of. It is okay to ask the important questions to which I have no answers yet, " What will be my sons' future? Will I live long enough to take care of them and keep them safe from harm or at least long enough to have taught them the necessary skills to face the hurdles of life head on? Will I be able to hold it together and never ever give up? Will I have the strength to persevere? Is my back strong enough to carry all the crosses? " But the most important lesson he is teaching me right now is this: It is okay to not be the thing I am most afraid of. Because I have a choice. And it is perfectly okay to choose to have courage, to have strength and to carry on.

The dark, the bogey-man, the monsters in our closets, all these we face at one point or another in our lives. They come in different shapes, forms, sizes, age, milestones, people and circumstances. I read one quote that we are given the same test over and over until we pass it. Our fears will follow us wherever we go until we confront it. And there is no other way for it to disappear until we face it. We may choose to shut our eyes tight, cover our ears to dull the pain and stinging sensation of it all, but eventually we will have to open them and welcome and experience all of it. Because this is the only way to truly be alive. And no matter how scared I am right now, I will muster up all the courage to experience every bit of sting and ache because I have been given this life to live. So that when my boys turn to me at the time when they encounter monsters bigger than the yakult bottle smiley face, they can see how strong I have become and they will be able to channel my strength in their own lives and realize how tough and how strong they are than they realize.

I hold Garret's big boy hand as we go out of the Sped Center and into our pick-up where his papa Andro and brother Morgan is waiting for us. I look at him and he is already smiling just as if the yellow smiley yakult bottle thing did not even occur. I know that when class resumes, his teacher will ask him to confront his fear and look at the object. And he will be scared. And he will cry. And it is okay. But I know in my heart, that before we all know it, he will be holding it in his hands, fear conquered, no longer afraid, just like I will be.

Thank you, my life partner, Andro-- for our life, for our Garret and Morgan.

Thank you my Little Prince.

Thank you, Universe for the life we are given.