Two Little Footprints

Restful sleep. Peace of mind. This is what I have been praying for these past few weeks. And I just couldn't seem to have it. The slightest movement or sound irk me. And thoughts surround my head creating chaos and confusion in my mind. Questions bombard me, What if? What can I do? What should I do? Why did this happen? What is the meaning of all this? Why has it come to this?

I remember back when I was still a grade schooler, my mom would pick me up from school and because of the traffic and travel time from Don Jose Avila street to Mandaue, and tired from all the school work and playing, I would fall asleep on her lap. Soundly that I didn't want to wake up even when we arrived home. I remember her stroking my hair and singing songs that carry me to a restful slumber. When I was about to give birth to Garret in March 2005 undergoing very painful labor, her hand holding a cool damp hanky across my forehead comforted me and carried me through the pain.

Reliving all the memories that brought me a sense of peace and calm reminds me that even now in the darkest moments, I can still have that peace. And it is more beautiful after a long bout of struggle. And I need to remember how in order to have that peace, I don't need to struggle anymore. All I need to do is just to surrender and let go. And let the Universe flow. Easier said than done. Until my Little Prince showed me how to do it and gave me what I was searching for, yesterday.

I climbed into his bed yesterday after lunch for their afternoon nap. Morgan sleeps every afternoon. Garret just lies in bed usually and rests his 6-year old body and perhaps his thoughts. I lay down and embraced my little prince. He wanted me to tighten my grip around his belly and I did. I fell asleep for about 10-15 minutes until he stood up gesturing me that he wanted to get out of the room already. I ignored him hoping against hope that he would comply so I could get that much needed rest. Surprisingly, he got one of the pillows and positioned it on the edge of the bed, on my usual side and lay back down. I embraced him again. He started humming and singing in his most gentle voice, incy wincy spider, old macdonald, and finally "this is the way we comb our hair, comb our hair, comb our hair". I couldn't remember what else he hummed or sang. I fell into the deepest slumber I've had in a long time. Two whole hours. And Garret didn't move a muscle. He just let me sleep. He looked after me while I was sleeping. He watched me sleeping. He let me go to sleep. He gave me that peace I was searching for. When I finally awoke, I looked at him and he just smiled at me. My little prince just smiled at me. And I smiled back. It was all I could do not to let my tears fall. And I said, "Thank you Garret." With this I took his hand and we went out of the room. Oh and yes, Morgan was still snoring his cute butt away while all of this magic moment happened deeply asleep in his own slumber as well.

We went to his keyboard and he requested that I play his favorite tune. And when the music started he was content. And I was still in elation at how Garret gave me the most restful sleep I ever had for a long time. And then it just dawned on me. I don't need to analyze anymore. I don't need to torture myself anymore with questions that don't have answers. Not just yet anyway. In the chaos and confusion and hurt and pain, sometimes all I need to do is close my eyes and let go. Garret is teaching me that there need not be any grand explanation why things work the way they work, why things turn out to be the way they are. Sometimes things just happen. Autism happened to our family. And until now there are no clear reasons why. There is still no cure. There are still no fixed solutions to every Autism Crisis we face. And it is okay. We are not in control of what happens to us. We are in control of how we deal and react to what happens to us. And it could be either way-- be exhausted trying to find all the reasons in the world or to just let go and trust in the Master Planner and Maker. And as with any other circumstances in our lives, marriage, work, or otherwise, it goes without saying too. We can do all we can in our power to control things. But in the end, the dynamics of human life, love, interaction, and decision-making take over...So despite and in spite of all the chaos and confusion, we can still choose peace over exhaustion. I need peace. I choose peace. And how blessed am I to have my Garret comforting me this way-- showing and teaching me the way. I am not only blessed. I am loved.

My favorite comfort passage has always been Footprints in the Sand, where in the end the man asked, " In my darkest hours, why did you leave me? And God answered, My child, when you saw one set of footprints, it is when I am carrying you."

I always believed I would just feel by faith that I am being carried by the heavens when I am in my darkest hours. I never thought I would SEE that one set of footprints in my darkest hours. But I did. Two little footprints of my little boy carrying me into a peaceful slumber, a restful sleep. my long-yearned peace.