My Favorite Time of Day

It has been well over a 3 weeks that Garret has been without a caregiver. And things have been as you might guess, quite in a state of change. To meet our son's needs, we have to rearrange our schedule throughout the day. Without question. My work schedule particularly, has to coincide with his Sped Classes in the morning. Or therapy in the afternoon, by which time work is mixed with "me" time which I so seldom have these days. Thankfully, my partner is a wonderful father and an excellent disciplinarian which makes our routine flow like clockwork, half or most of the time (wink!).

At around noon to 3 p.m. is our scheduled nap time for Morgan and rest time for Garret. I say "rest time" because he does not nap anymore and prefers to just lie down on the bed and sing or hum or settle in his thoughts. During this time I lay beside him and it is I who usually falls asleep to his humming and singing. What I did not mention in a previous post before where Garret gave me that much needed rest was that apart from the singing and humming and letting me be, he caresses my cheek and hair as I close my eyes in a slumber. And when he does so, he smiles and giggles quietly. It is no different now. He seems really happy that it is his mama who stays beside him during nap time and not a caregiver anymore. And maybe because of his joy, he expresses it by showing his affection not unlike how a mother does to her child. During these moments, my heart melts knowing he is showing his love to me in his own gentle, non-verbal way. During these times, I am the child and he is the parent, giving me time to rest and be re-energized. And maybe, naughtily and unwittingly, he gives me this time to rest knowing how he can be a handful the rest of the day.

A handful, actually, can be an understatement most of the times. I am sure Autism parents can relate to this. Times where we just want to shout, " why will you not stop screaming??? or crying? Or Why can't you understand that you need to stop playing with the water already???" Or simply, times where we just need to shout a very loud and long "AAAAAAAAH" to get all that stress and frustration out of our chests. And just when we are tired out of our wits from dealing with our kids, they come to us and smile the most disarming smile as if nothing--NOTHING happened at all. And what do we do? How do we react when this happens? Of course, our anger just dissipates into thin air and we are grinning from ear to ear. And we're back to the drawing board, where all action starts from an abounding vessel of love and nothing else. I jokingly tell the therapists and to anyone who would listen, "What can I do? I'm a victim of love. " (with the "v" in victim pronounced as a "b" for emphasis.) I watched a documentary once where mothers cuddled with their newborns right after several hours of intense labor. One mother in particular whispered to her baby in one line what all mothers in the world truly feel, " You will never know what you're gonna do with all this love around you." With all the love we have for our children, regardless of all the tantrums and manipulative behavior and "drama" episodes we might have, in the end our heart is just so full of love that even we ourselves don't know what to do with it. This may be the reason why our own kids with Autism with their heightened sense of emotions and all know how much they are loved and sometimes just test the limits of our love for them.

These beautiful "payback" times where Garret comes up to me and makes me feel like I'm the most beautiful person in the world, when he makes me feel like the most fragile child who needs to be taken cared of at siesta time, is my favorite time of the day. Because I know in my heart it is where the walls of Autism are broken down, even if it is just momentary. Because at these times, he reaches out to me from the depths of his secret world. He is able to let go of the bars of Autism and hold my heart in his hands. Many times before I often become overwhelmed thinking about the future, the what if's and all that. What if Garret can never talk? Well, now, honestly, it doesn't really matter anymore, because he speaks to me volumes and volumes of language. And apparently, the universe is teaching me that the only language that matters is that which conveys messages of joy and love and real human emotions. What are empty words and phrases perfected to the most excellent of grammar and sentence construction when they are full of pretense and hypocrisy? I am blessed because every single day, my Little prince conveys to me the most beautiful language, where I am wrapped in this safe cocoon of his gentle and prince-like embrace and I am brought to an hour or so of peaceful rest and respite.

When evening comes and it is time to go to bed, it is my turn to caress his cheeks and gently ruffle his hair and kiss his cute little lips and sing to him a lullaby. The roles are reversed just like it should be now, I am his mama now. And he is the baby seeking a good night's sleep. I close my eyes and whisper "Thank you, Garret for everything you have taught us. I love you so much, you just have no idea how much." Then I pray, or rather ask God, " Could this be Garret' favorite time of day too, God?" Nothing answers me except the heavy peaceful breathing and snoring of my little royalty of a prince, Garret. Oh, and since Morgan sleeps later than his older brother, he with all his feistiness, escapes from his caregiver from his bed and climbs up to me and asks to be cuddled just like a newborn baby too. I rock him and sing to him, "this is the way we go to sleep...." After a while he does not move and is fast asleep as well.

Right now I am training a new caregiver. But I think I have come to love being a more or less a full-time mom what with all of Garret and Morgan's magic moments. Still, balancing out motherhood, wife-hood and womanhood is a challenge. I know I need to be productive and healthy emotionally, physically and intellectually most importantly for my own children. So right now, I think what I'm trying to say is that I am just grateful for what my two boys are constantly teaching me especially now that I am given the time to really be with them most of the time. Priceless lessons and expressions of love are coming my way every day. And I think my favorite time of day may not be singular anymore. I may have to add a lot more time slots to my favorite list of times of the day. Autism may be the greatest teacher in teaching me to see the greatest of blessings in the thickest and most confusing of disguises after all.