Mama Said There'd be Days like This...

What does it mean to say "you have a lot of heart"?

I remember many years back, a reality show on boxing aired on a particular channel and what kept repeating from the mouths of the fighters were "I respect him. He has a lot of heart.", in reference to their opponent after the fight. For the life of me, I couldn't grasp what the hell it meant. Because all I saw was a bunch of men trying to beat themselves up and for what? Fame? Glory? A million bucks? Or all of the above? How can one have "a lot of heart" for that? I couldn't wrap my head around it and I just had to ask my other half. And all he said was, "courage, honey." And all I could reply was, "Oh."


I hate to say this but sometimes I feel that I'm in living in a live reality show. You know that feeling that you pretend that you really don't care about what other people say about you and your boys, you and your family and all your principles and all your values, but in reality, you do. Not because you thrive on other people's approval but because it's there. Like the elephant in the room, you can't shake the rest of the prying eyes of the world off. No matter what you do, good or bad, right or wrong, someone somewhere has something to say about you. And it drives me nuts every once in a while. It seems as if the reality show I am in is an everyday battle between my personal demons, the warring voices in my head, doubt and faith, wondering and believing, questioning and having vague answers at the very least, trusting in the process and trying to control it. Not unlike that boxing reality show. Several days of prepping oneself, doing the work, and then getting beat up in the end. Let me say it out loud. What the hell am I doing with my boys that is actually helping them? Why can't they still speak? Why do I feel that my boys are left behind? Even with all the intervention and effort we're doing, there's that nagging pull from my insides. Like I'm eternally stuck in one phase and the rest of the world is moving on. And finally, this one question, "What's the purpose of this all?"

I'm not afraid to admit it. This is one self-pity post. I'm not ashamed to admit it. "Because mama said there'd be days like this." It is easy to fall into the trap of this shadow. And wallow in it for a little while. Because there is no getting over some things, only through. And I feel in my heart, right now. What I need is this. To feel self-pity. To question why. To debate on the unfairness of it all. Why are some kids talking volumes of conversations with their dads coherently, smartly, smart-alecky, even profoundly? Why can't I have that? Why can't the father of my boys have that? Why must it be that I be the one to interpret their actions and turn them into words? Why can't they say what's truly in their hearts and minds? Why can't they get it off their chest so they wouldn't feel as confused and wouldn't need to only cry out their desperation? Why?


I just finished reading Coelho's Manuscript in Accra and this line is like a drill boring into my skull-- "When our legs are tired, the strength of our heart allows us to keep walking. When our hearts are tired, the strength of our faith will carry us through."

Right now. At this very moment that I am writing this, I am losing a lot of heart. My legs are tired. My mind is weary. My heart is fatigued. And I sure do not know where I put my faith. Where I lost it. Somewhere. Out there. At the back of my mind, I know it's there. It's like this impending fact that confronts me as if saying "You're going to fight tonight. And you're gonna get beat up, pretty bad, fall down several times, and the hand that the referee's going to raise, is not gonna be yours."

Living with autism. Surviving a day in the life of autism. Going through days like this. And many more days like this. And where am I amidst all this? Who am I amidst all this? Takes the life out of you sometimes, questions that bear no comprehensible answers.

Like my friend Kary just recently said, "love gets me through, writing gets me through, until then..." Last night I originally decided to write a post about courage and heart and love, all three shown in the very presence of my boys and I planned to write about my bliss which is them and everything happy. But maybe, now it's okay to write about the real shadows behind all that. If only to clear my mind, purify my heart, bring it out in the open, liberate me from whatever demons I have inside. And maybe even if I am writing not all about courage and heart and happiness now, I am making way for these three to come through, eventually. Cleaning out my closet, clearing out the cobwebs of my soul, quieting the beast in my heart.

"Mama said there'd be days like this." Behind all these turmoil of emotions I am allowing myself to go through right now, I know there'd be days of bliss to come as well.

Until then, I just have to keep up the brave face, continue doing the work, prepping myself and my boys, doing what needs to be done everyday. Even if I feel I'll only get beat up. Because beneath all the questions I am asking, underneath the river of self-pity I'm wallowing in, there will be answers. And the noise all around? They're there for good reason. What reason, I don't know. Nor do I want to know right now. Until then, while waiting for my bliss to come, I'm going to muster enough heart to get through the day.

Yes, I think, I'm finally getting the "having a lot of heart" part. Not all of it, but some of it, not for fame, glory or a million bucks. But maybe just to get through the day, one day at a time. And for now, that is enough.