Our Truth

For the first time Morgan notices the mark on the skin of my ribcage. He leans forward and kisses the letters. I am not sure he understands that it is his name and his brother's.

We walk holding hands and he feels the torn calluses in my palms. Scars from the past week's barbell work. He looks at me and smiles. I would like to think he wonders what and who they are for.

When he was born I remember how I cried in utter joy as I saw him screaming his lungs out. The doctor had to wipe the tears flowing down my cheeks.

Three years after, he was diagnosed with autism as his older brother, Garret had been, three years earlier. I remember falling on my knees, all the strength drained out of me, asking the Universe, "Why?"

What kind of life will they live? Will they ever understand the depth of my love for them? Will they ever know who I am? Will I be the mother they so rightly deserve? These were just few of the numerous questions that besieged my heart.

When Typhoon Haiyan struck I held Morgan in the tightest way possible, my heart beating out of my chest as we ran from room to room, our ceilings falling one after another. I could carry only him. Garret had to be carried by our help. Their papa leading the way, clearing the path as best as he could so we could evacuate safely.  When we were safely settled in our neighbor's house, Morgan fell asleep in exhaustion.

A few months after Haiyan we began to slowly recover from the tragedy. I decided to have my boys' names permanently inked on my  body.

A year and almost seven months passed today.

For the first time Morgan notices the mark on the skin of my ribcage. He leans forward and kisses the letters. 

After surviving Haiyan, I decided to redo my life. I decided to become healthier and stronger not only for myself but most especially for my boys. I decided to do CrossFit.

Morgan holds my hands and  feels the torn calluses in my palms. Scars from the past week's barbell work. He looks at me and  he smiles.

Questions still come thundering. The answers do not. But they arrive at the most unexpected moments catching me off guard. The answers are as subtle as the song of the sparrows in our backyard waking me in the morning. They have been there for a long time even returning after Haiyan but I have been so used to their everyday singing that I have allowed noises of doubt and confusion to drown out their music. The answers have been in front of me all along.

Time and again  I have to return to my core and trust these truths:

Life for my boys will be beautiful as it already is today.

They know how deeply I love them maybe not in the few words they can say but more so in the glances full of understanding, in the meaningful grins, in the unasked kisses and in the most unexpected embraces.

They know I am their mama in the many unique ways they say my name.

I may not be the perfect mother but I am the best one for them.

But the most beautiful truth of all is that even as I may be besieged by  more questions in the coming days, months and years, even as I continue to ask "why?" especially during the more difficult moments, even as I may fall on my knees a hundred more times,  I am overcome and redeemed even more by the love I have been given by the Universe through the very nature of their beings, by the love they teach me every single day without fail.  

This photo was taken a week after Morgan was born. Garret was 3 years old. And I was bursting at the seams from the all the mama weight AND the love pouring forth for my boys.