Full Circle

2006.

Garret is 1 year old.

We decided to start a family early.  When I reach my 40's,  my child will be 16 years old by then. I want him to he to get to know me while I would still be at the prime of health. And we would know each other not only as Mother and child. But deeply as Mother and child. I would tell him millions of stories. I would tell him why I parent him the way I do, why I love him the way I do. So many things I plan to tell him.

I figure when  my child and I would come to an understanding of whatever the Universe  endowed us with through telling our stories and listening and knowing one another, I will have come full circle.

2008.
Morgan is born.
Garret is diagnosed. Autism Spectrum Disorder, the doctor said.

2011
Morgan is diagnosed. Autism Spectrum Disorder, the doctor said.

2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016. 

Therapists and teachers come and go. It is clear how far we have come, clearer how far we needed to go.

2017. 

Garret is 12. Morgan is 9.
It dawns on me. I will not have grandchildren. As of the moment I do not know what that means. Or I refuse to face its definition. At least for now. 

2017.

I turn 37 this October. Obviously,  the Universe had other things in mind. Acceptance is an everyday thing as in embracing our truth one day at a time.

I do not have the conversations I imagined many times I'd have with my boys. Our story-telling, listening and knowing are of a different kind.

I, however, see the conversations that are not happening between "normal" parents and children.

I get frustrated wishing parents would see what they have. I tell myself, "If it were me..." then stop right there because I am not in their shoes. I am in my own. It is not up to me.

2017.

There is wisdom here somewhere.

Maybe it is that while I do not get to have the kind of conversations, the story-telling, listening and the knowing I imagined myself to have with my boys, I get to live every moment, fully present, paying attention to and relishing all the details of our life, celebrating every little miracle.

Perhaps it is that I get to be the parent they need, not the parent I want to be.

Maybe it is that I get to love them simply but fiercely, no questions asked.

Maybe this is what it means to know each other deeply as Mother and child.

Maybe this is the understanding the boys and I will come to arrive at.
 
And then, maybe this is what coming full circle truly means.