I sat in meditation last night recounting the many things in my life I am grateful for. As always I start with thanking the Universe for both of you. In particular, I chose to bring to mind the moments in the afternoon hours where we lay in bed and there is nothing to do but bask in each other's affection. Where our curtains are drawn dimming the harshness of sunlight and the air-conditioner is steadily humming a hymn of calm. In these moments, the world slows down, time is eternal, and nothing else matters as each of you take turns in holding my face planting kisses all over it. Your hands are open, relaxed and free at this time. It is unlike the times we are out in the world in the noise and chaos of everyday life. The world is too overwhelming for you and you have to cover your ears with your hands to find your calm. Oh Garret, here in our afternoons together, when you hold my face, I know what real tenderness is. My Morgan, when you intertwine your fingers with mine, I know what certainty means. The three of us squished in our bed is comfort and rest defined. In the one or two hours that we lay like this, I see contentment and joy in the crinkle of your eyes as you smile. I feel your peace in the stillness of your bodies. There is no other place to be or to go. There is no other thing to do or be. There is only us three, being who we are, in each other's arms. I am grateful for these moments and my heart is full knowing there is a time and place in this world, in this blessed life of ours where you my boys can feel most safe. In this space we have, I, all the more, am most free, most content, most safe as well. In these moments I know and truly feel I am manifesting my heart.
As I went deeper in the silence, I asked myself what my purpose is in life. I waited for the answer to come to me and it did. In the ways I allow myself to be with you my boys-- fully, wholly, freely, I realized I have already found my purpose. I asked myself next, "How shall I further expand and deepen my purpose?" The answer flowed effortlessly: By creating a safe haven for people where tenderness is a way of life, where being simply present with our bodies, minds and hearts is enough, where stillness and silence liberates us into contentment and peace, and where we are given the freedom to be who we are meant to be.
Once again, you my boys, have showed me the way. I remember now the moment I decided to learn how to surf. At the time, I had innumerable doubts, fears and reasons why I shouldn't. And then as I was looking down from the Boardwalk, boys your age rode the waves bravely, happily and freely. I could not stop my tears as I watched them. I cried because right then and there in the glare of the morning sun amidst the flurry of mothers and grandparents taking photos of their children and grandchildren surfing, a profound truth emerged. It was as if you were both right there with me saying it to me, "We want you to be brave, Mama. We want you to be happy. We want you to be free."
Oh my boys, now as I tread on the path of expanding and deepening my purpose, doubts hover. Fears arise and questions arrive. But the answer is as clear as ever, as clear as that sunlit morning in the island I now call my safe haven, as sure as the waves of the Pacific come and go. I hear you telling me again in a language that only we understand-- you, my Garret holding my face in the most tender way, you, my Morgan intertwining my fingers with yours that grounds me to this truth-- "Mama, we want you to be brave and happy. Mama we want you to be free."
I know now why the Universe gave both of you to me. Both of you. Kamo'ng duha gyud. For no other reason than to manifest my heart. I love you my boys. Every single day without fail, I am grateful not only for you but to you.
With all my love,
Mama Bea
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