Mother's Day

An acquaintance greeted me Sunday, "Happy Mother's Day to one of the greatest mothers."

"Wow" was my silent reaction. I was clearly taken aback. Because not only did this person not know me on a personal level, but the word "great" was too shocking for my sensibilities.

I am far from great. I am flawed, imperfect and a whole lot of other things. Except great.

And I don't mean this in a self-deprecating manner to fish for more validation. I say this to affirm and remind myself that I am still too far from my goal of being the mother my two boys deserve.

What my two boys face everyday with courage and grace is unimaginable. Their courage and grace is unimaginable. What their body and mind struggle to absorb, process and translate into responses is challenging to say the least.

And me? I am a mere "strive(r)" compared to what they achieve every single day. Cebuanos have a more apt term-- "Naningkamot". To strive. To do one's best. To struggle.

So never mind "great". Eventually, I'll get there. That place where I can humbly accept the "great" part. But for now, "striving" suits me better.

But to the acquaintance who greeted me, I still thank you for considering me to be a "great mother". Your short albeit crisp message just propelled me to get back on the keyboard after who knows how long and get back to doing what I love best.

For My Morgan

There are days when my mind and my heart gets too...tired (too exhausted to look for stronger term). So I do what I do best. As all autism parents or special needs parents do best, we cope and we become adept at coping. We get used to breaking and we become strong in the broken places. We learn that to be strong is not to carry it all. But to let some things go. So, on days when Morgan goes into one of those seemingly unexplainable tantrums, I just let him be, let him cry it out, and if he allows me to, carry him and cradle him like a newborn child and he cries some more. After 15 minutes, half an hour or almost an hour, he quiets down. And all is well with our world again.

This is for you my Morgan. Mama loves you come peaceful or stormy seas.

There, there now my feisty king,
Mama is here...
I'll hold you tight till the bed bugs won't bite.
I'll hold you close till the thunder in your heart stops.
I'll hold you singing till the clouds of chaos in your mind clears.
I'll hold you, just hold you till the rain in your eyes dries.
I'll hold you till the skies of your thoughts turn from gray to blue.
I'll hold you till the sun in your smile breaks through.
It's okay now, my feisty king,
Mama is here
I'll keep you here in my arms
Until you need me to
Remember,
You are feisty, brave and strong
You are stronger than all the storms.
You are infinite, unconquerable.
Be sad if you need to
Be scared if you have to
Be angry if you are
Spill those tears to
soothe your heart
And I'll catch them
with my own beating heart
It's alright my feisty king
There, there now,
Peace will come
Soon you will find your calm...

Perhaps, during the most unlikeable moments that we have living with autism or with life, all we really need to do is to go through it, acknowledge it, feel every sting of it, weep if we have to, lash out, let it go, stop trying to control what is uncontrollable, sing a little song, hum a little tune and yes, expand our hearts and love a little more.