Mother's Day

An acquaintance greeted me Sunday, "Happy Mother's Day to one of the greatest mothers."

"Wow" was my silent reaction. I was clearly taken aback. Because not only did this person not know me on a personal level, but the word "great" was too shocking for my sensibilities.

I am far from great. I am flawed, imperfect and a whole lot of other things. Except great.

And I don't mean this in a self-deprecating manner to fish for more validation. I say this to affirm and remind myself that I am still too far from my goal of being the mother my two boys deserve.

What my two boys face everyday with courage and grace is unimaginable. Their courage and grace is unimaginable. What their body and mind struggle to absorb, process and translate into responses is challenging to say the least.

And me? I am a mere "strive(r)" compared to what they achieve every single day. Cebuanos have a more apt term-- "Naningkamot". To strive. To do one's best. To struggle.

So never mind "great". Eventually, I'll get there. That place where I can humbly accept the "great" part. But for now, "striving" suits me better.

But to the acquaintance who greeted me, I still thank you for considering me to be a "great mother". Your short albeit crisp message just propelled me to get back on the keyboard after who knows how long and get back to doing what I love best.

Questions, Courage, Truth

Our lives with autism.
When will this be not an uphill battle?
What's the point?
Why does it feel like I'm left behind?
Why does it seem that my boys are left behind while the rest of the world moves on?
Is there no getting out of this?
What is the purpose of all this?
Why my boys?
What does the future hold for us?
But most importantly, for them, when we are gone?
Why other people and not us?
Why other kids and not my boys?
Where and when is our salvation?

This barrage of questions invading my peace. But somehow I am compelled to ask the most difficult questions because the answers compel courage to come forth. And it's almost easy to fall into the trap of self-pity and to an extent, despair. Almost. Until just moments ago, Garret approached me out of the blue, gazed at me with eyes holding the most indescribable, incomprehensible tenderness and Morgan, cheeks all rosy pink from jumping on the mattress grinning, all teeth and gums showing, grinning at his momma--- there's my answer, this right here, my truth. And it is just so much easier to fall back into a state of grace, gratitude and peace. :) And yes I am truly glad I was not afraid to ask the questions.

Insights from Another Contintent

Some days are good and wonderful and some not so great. And then there are days where you meet people who let you see the world in a different light, allow you to reach deep within your soul and illuminate even the darkest corners of your mind. I am so blessed to have come across a fellow autism parent from another continent, a father who is undoubtedly and utterly devoted to his son. I have him to thank for the insights I gained for the past two weeks.

My boys, Garret and Morgan, are sent to save me from myself.

Mark Twain once said, "The two most important days in your life are: the day you are born and the day you find out why." In the most wondrous of days where miracles happen, when my two boys reach certain milestones at their own pace, my heart soars. When I see the joy in the faces of the other parents at the center because of their own children's milestones achieved, all the more joy. It is at this point that I reach my own milestone. There is that one clear, true thing that resonates within my soul-- I know now why I was born--So I can parent my two boys. To be a mother to Garret and Morgan is the greatest gift the Universe has given me. My purpose in this life is a gift from the universe. And the other reason is so that I can help other parents, families, children afflicted with autism. My boys are sent to save me from myself so I can serve a purpose greater than myself. So that I can be bigger than who I am. The universe has given me the greatest gift. And this gift is my salvation.

My two boys make our lives doubly blessed, double the strength, double the resilience, double the joy.

Everyone reaches a breaking point. I did three days ago. I went to the safest place I could find and wept. I asked all the unspeakable questions that you're not supposed to ask. And I allowed myself the mistake of self-blame and self-pity. I just had to let it out. Somehow detoxifying myself from all these negative thoughts. Purifying my soul somewhat. And two of the kindest people I know provided me a sense of comfort. They prayed for me right there and then, even cried with me. I cannot thank them enough. When I was relieved from all that ugly pain, I pulled myself together and with a newer, stronger resolve, I said, "Despite everything, I am still blessed." We are not given crosses we cannot carry, so they say. That is why I know with my two boys, I have been given double the strength, double the resilience, double the love, double the grace and double the joy.

"Having children of any kind is a privilege that not every adult gets to enjoy. It's our duty to those people to appreciate our children fully and never take the experience for granted." -Pete Owens-

No need for explanation, really, for this third insight. Life is really,really good to me. Thank you, life. Thank you, Pete Owens.

Lastly,

One of the great purposes of autism is so that we will never forget our shared humanity.

The Talmud says, the highest form of wisdom is kindness. We are but one in experiencing the complexities of life. We each carry our own burdens, we each have to climb our own mountains. Autism may have been brought to our lives so that we may know how to value people more, be less judgmental, be more accepting of each of our individual eccentricities and plain differences. As we rally on the advocacy of spreading autism awareness, we must not forget the basic premise of our earnest admonition-- kindness. We are pleading people to be kind to our children by having an open mind and open heart, be more accepting of them, be educated enough to help them the right way, and if they choose to be, they can be advocates themselves of our children and other children with special needs. We are but one humanity, regardless of race, nationality, country or continent. We draw strength from each other. We draw wisdom from each other. And that wisdom, of the highest form, is kindness.

This particular day, all I can say is that the Universe certainly knows what it is doing. Autism at the top of the list.

Days of Grace

Sometimes when words fail me, photographs save me...

The cool breeze of the afternoon air, the soothing sun rays bursting through magnificent clouds...and our son in his quiet place of joy...Is there anything else more of a sight to behold?

"Just remember it's the cracks in your heart that let the sun shine in..." -Steve Holy-

Bianca, our dobe, understanding my little prince for all that he is, fully.

Our adorable, feisty Morgan...

Our two boys...oh how beautiful...

And all these under one magnificent afternoon sky...