Tuesday, July 26, 2011

More Than Autism

"It's okay." Our mantra. A hundred times a day, it seems. We say this to our children when they start to resist something new or when they are being made to do a task they detest, and when the first few bouts of a tantrum start. I really do not know if these two words work and make our children realize and understand that it really is okay to go inside the classroom without mama inside. That it is really just okay that they don't get what they want right away, that it is really just okay to listen to the noise the surrounding makes even if it hurts their ears, that it is just okay to sit and wait for anything to start or move on.

Most often than not, I think, in my case, I am comforting not my child but myself. I am telling myself that it's okay if Garret starts to scream when he cannot wait. I am telling myself that it is okay that I will be firm with him when I say no. I am reassuring myself that it really is just okay to feel anxious, insecure and inadequate when the worst happens. It's okay even if Garret is having a bad day. It's okay that I sometimes feel helpless and can't hold it all together. It is just perfectly okay. Even if numerous times my insides are screaming to say," It is not okay! I am tired! And I just want you to wait and behave and do as I say!"

In reality, these two words does seem to work. It's like a switch the comforts our children to calm down when they are overstimulated or when they just act up. In the end, all that Autism brings to the table-- the weak impulse control, the not-able-to wait, the language impairment that contributes much to the tantrums that we so dread, is what it is. There is no miracle immediate cure for all of this. It is there for a reason. Autism is present in our lives because of a deeper purpose. And whether we are able to unravel its reasons or not determines our ability to sustain our strength for our children. I am still learning. We are still learning every single day. Yes, some days I do not want to learn. And I insist that it is NOT okay. Autism is not okay. And the WH- questions come up again. But I cannot let those days bring me down. I cannot let those days pull Garret deeper into this world of seclusion and confusion. I have to realize and see with new eyes every single time that Garret's Autism is just a part of who he is and not who he ALL is. My son is MORE than his Autism.

I was browsing through Google a few weeks back to search for new ideas of Autism Slogans for our campaign for our ASP chapter in our city. And I found one that said, "I AM MORE THAN AUTISM" in bold letters in the center. Surrounding the words were more characteristics describing the more optimistic, bright and beautiful child with Autism.

Now I am reminded looking at it that indeed my Little Prince IS MORE than Autism. And this declaration will pull me out of the dark times. This affirmation will bring us to the light. And I won't need to tell myself, "It's okay." From now on, I will tell myself and live the words, " Garret is MORE THAN AUTISM". He is CHARMING, FUNNY, MISCHIEVOUS, SMART, GENTLE, PURE, HONEST, and BEAUTIFUL. He is all these and more. And THESE make Garret not just Autism. He is our son. He is God's gift to us. And HE IS PERFECTLY OKAY. And why shouldn't I be okay?

2 comments:

  1. Love this :) You are more than "o.k"
    You are a beautiful, compassionate human being who was chosen to raise a son with Autism...
    You are more than Autism, and so is Garret, and I am lucky to have come across the two of you in this lifetime :)
    XOXO

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  2. You have no idea how I am comforted by your comment. Who would have thought I would also have the chance to know you in this big big world of ours. The gift of friendship, no matter the distance or circumstance, is indeed one that nurtures our spirit, heals our aching hearts and makes life worth living. Thank you, once again, Ms. Kary.

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