New Beginnings

More than a week ago, Garret was down with flu. As you can imagine, he was weak and just wanted to be cuddled as we slowly moved in the rocking chair. I sang to him nursery rhymes to soothe his aching body. Finally with the gentle breeze fanning us through the window, he fell asleep.

A few days after Garret recovered, we were faced with a new challenge and new realizations were to be revealed to us. For me particularly, it tested my character, the depth of my compassion, and my ability to stand firm and rally change. The experience challenged my belief that people are essentially good. Well, not anymore. I realized that as much as human beings are innately good, they are equally capable of evil things. Evil--such a strong word. But how else would you describe betrayal and pretense for 5 years? How do you even begin to come to terms with how a person you treat almost like family stabbing you in the back? How do you show compassion for a person who has shown you nothing but ingratitude even contempt? I remember once more how I shared to my students in Counseling class many years ago the Indian Prayer, " Grant that I may not criticize my neighbor unless I have walked a mile in his moccasins." Now I repeat this to remind myself to choose compassion over hatred, to choose to take the high road, to show strength of character amidst utter human weakness, to choose silence instead of boiling rage, to choose peace of mind, to choose righteousness instead of self-righteousness.

Fortunately, this particular episode has now passed and we are all in reset mode. And I can only be grateful for that. What could be more beautiful and refreshing than new beginnings?

Maybe this is what we all needed, for Garret most especially. He deserves all the good things in this life. He deserves to be calm, content, peaceful and happy. We deserve to have all these. It is time. With Autism in our lives I used to think nothing more difficult could be thrown at us. But then life sometimes has its own plans. God has greater plans. And with greater challenges, I see it now, with new eyes, we can only have greater strength, greater patience, greater character. What greater gift is there than this?

Beyond everything that has happened, I think the greater lesson here is not actually what I have chosen to do and be. The bigger question is, "Will I be able to pass it on to my two boys?" When the time comes in their lives, will I have been able to teach them the value of self-respect, dignity, loyalty and compassion? Garret and Morgan's world right now is confined to us, his teachers and therapists, his classmates, to family. But, when they are faced with people who not only have good intentions but quite the opposite, during that time, will I have given them the enough amount of strength to stand up for themselves? Will I have armed them with the belief that they do not deserve to be beaten and trampled upon? And in the end, when all is said and done, will I be able to teach them the most noble choice of forgiveness?

This is my constant prayer. My constant purpose. " Be sure everyday of what you are fighting for." Yoshio-Wada adamantly said to his grandsons. And most definitely, this will be what I will be fighting for, for my two boys to choose the high road-- to choose to do and to be men of character and strength.

We are all sitting in the family room watching the boys' favorite Barney video. Andro on the floor with Garret sitting on his stomach, Morgan comfortably seated on my lap. Garret is smiling giving his papa kisses not unlike butterfly ones. I ask once again for a kiss, and he readily gives it to me. I think we have never felt at peace and calm as now. I close my eyes and whisper, " Baruch Hashem, for all the great and worst things in our lives, for new beginnings. Thank you God.