A Purpose, Deeper, Greater, Higher

The thing about life is that the choices we make and what destiny has in store for us overlap and intertwine. We are given free will and yet we are steered into an entirely different direction from the one we mapped out for ourselves. Eventually. And it just takes an Aha! moment, a eureka experience to take us out of the dark, to pull us out of the pit we allowed ourselves to wallow in. A moment of insight that dawns on us that makes us say, "Now I understand, I truly understand." And we begin to find ways to "unstuck" ourselves. Because life goes on. The world simply does not stop turning. Even for our grief and regrets. We realize that despite all the darkness in our lives, there are those that rely on our light, our ability to shine so they in turn can disperse their own darkness and shine their own light with only the infinite brightness that they deserve.

What am I talking about? As cryptic as this may seem, I know some of you may relate to these words whether you are undergoing a crisis in your profession, turbulence in a relationship, hurdles in marriage, challenges in raising children, special or not, whether you are facing a fork in the road in your calling, in your passion. In my case, I think it is a mix of everything in the bowl. This bowl called life.

10 years ago I remember being so determined and so sure of what I wanted. I loved my job as a Guidance Counselor and part-time college teacher, training students and teaching was an exciting endeavor for me every single day. It did not matter that my last class ended at 9 in the evening. I felt I was at the top of my game. Two years after, I came to a fork in the road. And I chose the road less traveled. Forgive the cliche, but there is no better term than this. And when I stepped on this path, again, I was never so certain in my entire 22 years of life at that time. No holds barred. I was beaming with joy. I made my choice head on and heart bursting in my chest.

Now, as they say, the rest is history. And what a 10-year history it has been. In retrospect, I did plan to get married and have kids. Well, I got married. And to no less than the man I was in love with the moment I met him. Although I did not know it at that time. But when I did, I knew there was no turning back and there would be no other man for me. Romantic musings? It may seem to be. Cheesy in fact but when it's the truth, one does not care how she is perceived to be anymore. So yes, I got married, am married to the man I chose with my heart, mind and soul to marry. And just like any marriage or relationship, the challenges are great. After all, great love requires great responsibility to nurture it. Every single day without fail. When one is weak, the other should be strong. Vice versa. But of course, two human beings do get tired, physically and emotionally. So the storms come or hurricanes, if you will. But what matters the most is what happens after. What lessons are learned? What insights about each other are gained? What is to be remembered? What is to be forgiven and forgotten? And what must two lives do to decide to carry on and move on?

We have two wonderful, beautiful, amazing boys. Garret is now 6 years old. Morgan is 3.We are blessed with them. They are our greatest gifts. We certainly did not plan on Garret having Autism or Morgan having any developmental delays. Who does? But apparently, we were given another plan. What's that saying again? While you were so busy with life, life had other plans in store for you. So this is where choices and destiny dynamically interact. Ultimately, the master planner up there still holds the cards and chooses which cards to deal us with . And when we are dealt with the circumstances of our life, it is how we live it, deal with it that determines how much joy or pain we bring into our destiny. By no means is the raising of our two boys smooth sailing. As a mother, I am tested to my limits, the limits of my patience, understanding and acceptance. I am tested how willing I am to let go of my own standards of being and knowing and dreaming for my sons' world, his way of knowing, his way of dreaming his dreams, his way of living. Every single day, I realize that in order to truly, fully love my boys without measure is to let go, surrender and let them be, let them be whoever the Universe wants them to be. And I have to trust everyday that they will be taken cared of even when I am gone. They will be alright even when I pass on. As for their father, my life partner, he has his own struggles to face as well. And I can only begin to imagine a Father's dreams for his sons and what he has to let go of as well. And it hurts me more than I can bear. More than my own pain.

So to wrap it all up, two human beings deciding to love each other for better or for worse, till death do us part, blessed with two amazing creations of Garret and Morgan, making a life together, making it all work is one great journey. It doesn't always work like clockwork. We have our darkest hours and the most blissful of days. We have days when it seems like there is no sign of dawn breaking and only night prevails. Then there are rays of sunshine that disperses all hurt and anger and pain and assures us that everything is going to be just fine. Because all this rain and thunderstorm has a deeper, higher, greater purpose.

Our present reality should I describe it in one word is Unlike Any Other. Three words describe it better. I'm still looking for a one word perfect fit for our life. We still have a long way to go to, the boys, my life partner and I. We're not even a quarter of the mileage of the journey the heavens has planned for us. But at this very moment, a clarity like never before strikes me-- I need to stop trying to control the events, people and circumstances of my life because I cannot. I must step back. The Universe has spoken. I have been given the cards and they are all laid out on the table. I need to let go. Trust in this bigger plan. Have faith. I can only control my choices. I can only choose to control how I deal and live my life. I can no longer be stuck. Not only for myself. But for my boys. Because my boys need me to be at my best every single day. They need my light so they can shine their brightest, the most infinite brightest glaring light that they only deserve. So I need to use my darkness, overturn it, transform it and make it my greatest strength. Because that is what my boys deserve. This is what I deserve. We deserve nothing less. And more than anything right at this very moment, I believe that I am living out a purpose, deeper, greater and higher than myself. So maybe this is what destiny really means-- free will and faith combined.

As I write these words, I am slowly unraveling the one word which describes my life, my life with my partner, my two boys, our life-- adventure. And the purpose behind all this? Let's just say i recall Andro sending me a card from New York, 9 years ago. And in it he quoted Nikki Giovanni, "We love because it is the only true adventure." So maybe as with all other choices in life, we define our purpose as well. I choose to define my purpose with this-- to love without measure, as this is the only way to live life as if everyday were an adventure. Oh it is not an easy purpose, mind you. This is why it is called an adventure. And this is why this is so much greater, deeper and so much higher of a purpose than myself.