So Now I Know

I knew this was coming. But how it still hit hard.

For a long time coming now, I already had an idea that Morgan belonged to the spectrum. But considering how more aware he is of his surroundings than Garret was before at his age, a small part of me hoped and prayed and wanted him not to be. Having had already a child with Autism does not shield you from the possible denial and other mix of emotions that you still experience when the other sibling is diagnosed. It certainly did not shield me now.

As much as I have come to terms with Garret's Autism, Morgan also having it, I realized, still takes a considerable amount of processing, accepting and a coming to terms with what is. I guess it all boils down to one universal truth-- when you become a mother, a father, a parent, regardless of whatever circumstances you are given with, you are tested beyond your limits, your capacity to take things in stride, to believe that there is a purpose to everything , your capacity to love without measure.

Right now, I have to acknowledge that the reality is heavy. It is harsh. I don't want to be a hypocrite and pretend that it is okay for me. For our family. Because it is not. I do not want to flower-coat the reality of Autism. I have to be honest to myself, admit to myself that it is not okay. Because only when I am honest will I be able to allow grace to flow, the grace that will allow me to eventually say, " Even if it is not okay, I accept it with all my heart."

The future is overwhelming. And questions bombard me. Will we have the resources to support our boy's needs? Will I have the strength to carry on even when I am at my weakest until the very end? And more dreams will have to be let go.

There surely is a grand plan to all this, unfolding and revealing itself day by single day. I am sure of it. I believe in it. I have to.

I was talking to my mom the other night and during our conversation, I found myself verbalizing and revealing my own reflection and insight from all that has happened for the past months. I told her,

"Mom, I think God is already telling me, 'You've done all you can. Now it is time to sit down and let me do my part this time. You cannot control the choices people make, you cannot control what happens around you, you cannot control everything. Sure, you've fought tooth and nail for everything you ever wanted in your life. After all, I've made you to be the bull-headed person you are. But even fighters need to rest. It is time to let go. It is time to trust me. Just step back and watch me do my work."

As I am writing this, Morgan is inside the SI room with Teacher Charisse, his Occupational Therapist. He is vocalizing and apparently enjoying and cooperating with the tasks given to him. His recognizable laugh echoes through the clinic. I hear Teacher Charisse saying, "Wow! Good job, Morgan!" I smile and thank the heavens.

In two weeks, Morgan will undergo an EEG procedure his neuro-developmental pediatrician recommended to rule out any possibility of seizures. In the meantime, we continue his therapy and soon will be enrolled in Sped Class. At home, I follow through, strictly, this time, the activities of OT every afternoon. There is no time to waste and no time for denial. Minimize T.V. watching, label everything, read picture books--these are just a few of the recommendations of his doctor. For the past three days, we've conscientiously followed the doctor's orders. Although we know all this, the finality of a diagnosis really made an impact. I've been searching for signs everywhere, for answers to riddles posed to my life right now. And what better answer was I given than this? Not an easy answer, but a very worthwhile one.

So now, once more, the cards are laid down on the table. How do I deal them? Well, this time I choose to listen to my inner voice, to the voice of the heavens, the Universe if you will--With faith, hope and love.

I will trust in the grand plan. I will hold on to faith. I will not lose hope. And for my boys--I will love them even more with all my heart, mind and soul. Because my little Prince and feisty King deserve nothing less.

Friends and family have been cheering me on, giving me strength. And I thank all of you for the love and support. You tell me to be strong, that I am strong, that I am a fighter. Right now, I feel anything but strong. But I am hanging on. What's that saying? Sometimes things happen that will bring you to your knees, to remind you you are human. To humble you down and to remind you there is somebody greater than you. To remind you that you cannot do it alone. To tell you that it's okay to ask for help. Well, I am on my knees now. I am learning. I am reminded. I am humbled. And I need help. And I don't need to act strong all the time. And I know now that it is okay to let go. Now I truly, truly understand.

So now I know.

I will follow through and carry on and never give up. And maybe in the coming years, I will once again hear the voice of the heavens, this time, telling "Good job, my child."