May 19, Saturday
So this morning, Garret and I went to the Center to have an hour of follow through activities. I always look forward to this since it gives me the chance to really bond with my son and see what is capable of doing in terms of his gross and fine motor skills and cognitive skills as well. But more than this, what I cherish the most is when we begin our session with the "hello" song. This is when he gazes at my face with the most adorable smile and cups my cheeks with his two little boy hands, pinches both my cheeks and shakes them from side to side all the while grinning. During this time the roles are reversed, he seems to be the adult fascinated by me and non-verbally being amused by my appearance. Or could it be that he's constantly reminding me in his own way, "You're doing a good job, Mama." I don't know which is which. But I would like to believe it's a combination of both. Either way, I feel almost like the child wanting to be validated and affirmed of everything I have ever done in my life, that what I have been doing for him and his brother, for our family, for the center, for the kids at the center for the parents-- are on the right track, all paved with good intentions and all followed through with deeds full of heart and sincerity. Especially now. So when I look at my son's grin from ear to ear and gazing at me making full eye contact, the peace of mind that I so seek finds me.
We went through the obstacle courses, jumping on the hopscotch rings, trampoline, crawling in the tunnel, climbing the stairs and finally the end tasks of pairing colors and shapes, and etc. Of which during the end task, he began to pick the wrong-colored object that I instructed him to get using the color flash card "blue" as a prompt. I asked, "Is this blue?", putting the green object beside the flashcard. Garret shook his head! I say this with an exclamation point because he never shakes his head to indicate "no". This was a milestone for us! Usually, when he refuses to do anything or does not like a task, his expression of refusal is the adamant verbal expression of "AH!", which could mean from "No, I don't want it to No, I can't do this, to I need help, to I am angry." It's up to me to decipher the meaning of Ah and to act on it. So, yes, I was so happy! My Garret can shake his head meaning No. He actually means no. He understands how the object he picked was the wrong color that I asked him to get. And he expressed the "incorrectness" of his response appropriately.
You must be wondering why I am going all gaga over this particular detail. Because for parents with neuro-typical kids, I'm sure the first word your child said was "no." and the first body language they have mastered was the shaking of the head to reiterate the word "no." So it's okay if you wonder. Because for me or for most parents whose children are on the spectrum, we know all too well that their language is impaired to some level, in one form or another. So when our children breaks through that impairment in even simply just one aspect, it means the whole world to us and for them as well. What it means for us parents, for me personally is that Garret has found a way to express what he wants to express. What it may mean for Garret is that the people around him can understand him a little bit better. So yes, again this is a cause for celebration. As we went on doing shape matching, when it came to his two favorite shapes- heart and star, he spontaneously said, "art" for heart and "kar" for star. Again, my heart leaped. Wouldn't yours too? We moved on to doing 4-6 piece puzzles, the horse puzzle was up. I said, "Garret, look, a horse!" And my little prince responded, "ors!". My heart was practically dancing this time.
What's interesting though is that Garret seems to only speak words that interest him the most. He may speak not really intending to communicate something but because he likes the sound of it or the object itself. Making a mental list now, other words that he has articulated before-- "ga-go" for bubbles and "water" for water. These are two things he most certainly has an interest in. Correction, has an overwhelming interest in. Obviously, when I try to ask him to repeat the words, heart, star, water he does not repeat it for me. Again, only if he likes it. I find this fascinating and at the same time mysterious much like all other aspects in autism. Garret seems to have a resolute mind of his own, a very honest one at that." If I don't like it, I will not do it." Very simple perspective.
A fellow mom commented to me one day while observing my interaction with my son as I was trying to guess what he toy he wanted me to get from one of the rooms at the center, "Hala, Ma'am no, daghana jud diay nimu angay tag-anon kung unsa ganahan ni Garret." (You really do have to anticipate many things just to figure out what Garret really wants." I responded, "Yes, I feel most of the times, I am almost psychic- clairvoyant." This is our everyday challenge-- for us to understand what our son needs, to take note of that, put it in our memory bank, to be mindful the next time a similar situation occurs so that we'll know what he wants and to communicate to him in a way that he understands whether what he wants he can have or not, whether the thing or activity that he wants to have or get is appropriate at the time. It's actually getting better everyday as he is learning many ways to communicate from Sped Class and therapy. And we can only be eternally grateful for his teachers.
As I always strive to learn from my son, I realize how much similar and at the same time more complicated the real world is. When I was in college, we had a psychology teacher who always repeated to us this adage, "Assume nothing." She said this almost like a mantra digging into our brains so we would get it properly absorbed in our pig-headed brains of 19-year old kids who knew nothing about the seriousness and importance of this adage. Guess what, for the past few weeks, it finally, FINALLY bore into my thick-headed skull. Everyday I anticipate my son's needs. Most of the times, I get it right. Dealing with children in general, correct me if I am wrong, but I think I may be fairly accurate in saying, as parents, we know what's best for our kids. So we assume and anticipate what they need. Now, dealing with adults, sometimes anticipation and assumption will SIMPLY not do. You have to ask them point-blank what they need, what they want. You have to lay all your cards on the table and let them decide if they are willing to take it. This is after all the basic rule of Human kind-- Individual Differences. Differing perspectives, mentality, outlook, values, priorities. Oh, dear, all the lessons in Psychology undergrad are barging in on me right now like a huge tidal wave. And even if circumstances of dire need and evidence of great results are on the table, even if in your heart of hearts, you were sincere and just wanted to help people, NEWSFLASH-- Sometimes, it is just simply not enough. We live in a complicated world filled with details and technicalities and most importantly varying ideologies so it's a really good idea to keep in mind NOT TO ASSUME ANYTHING, because, as what my psych teacher said before, "Assume nothing because assumption kills." Well, not literally of course, but right now, I think it may be killing my peace of mind. I don't know which is worse.
Anyway, enough with my rattling and now proceeding with the most essential point that I want to get across. At this particular point, I was slapped right across the face with a huge lesson. Let me explain it this way: When Garret wants something, he taps my arm and leads me to the object he wants. If it's out of his reach, I try to get as many objects as possible so he can choose the right object he wants. In the same manner, from now on, I will ask people point blank, as bluntly as possible what they want, present them with as many possible options, lay all the cards on the table until I get it right, until they can choose for themselves what they really want. After all, I cannot impose my values and perspectives on other people. I think this may be the greatest lesson right now. There are things that I simply cannot impose on my children. There are things to consider-- their body clock, their moods, their preferences, the sensory needs-- everything. Likewise, I simply cannot impose on other people. And I cannot assume that they share the same mentality and experience that I have. And this time, I have to make clear to them as well that their "no" really means no. And if possible, I would like to ask them to shake their heads, for added emphasis.
Stress, pain, conflict, problems is as they say, however cliche it may sound, are blessings in disguise. Because they can lead to change, betterment and improvement. It gives a chance to start anew. Start fresh. Clean slate. Ruin can lead to transformation-- values, ideologies, perspectives, everything. At the end of the day, the important thing is not to focus on your mistakes but on what you can do about it. Dwelling on what has happened doesn't really do you or does anybody good. As another parent encouraged me, " For as long as you have a goal and that goal is sincere, and genuine and for the good of the people and children you work with, then there is no reason for you not to push on, carry on." For as long as the lesson is learned, then all is well.
I bear all these thoughts, all the words that I've just written right now on my mind as I lay on my boys' bed, Morgan's head on my lap, Garret's on my belly. Garret turns to gaze at me smiles. Morgan as usual, stares at me with a frown on his face. Both of them, as if, saying, " Mama, everything's going to be fine." and " Stop brooding and start acting, Mama."
This time, I would like to assume, that what I think they're trying to say from their facial expressions are both true.
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