Finding My Joy

It's been four weeks that I've written anything. And a good four weeks it has been. Unplugging has been good for my mind, my heart and soul. One amusing realization I had in the four weeks abstinence of even just opening the computer is that I can actually survive without facebook. ha ha.Or so I thought. Why else would I be back now writing this post? Seriously though, I found myself having all this time to think, to reflect, to ponder (ug sa bisaya pa, maghinuktok ug maghinuklog). It's really refreshing. Oh, and I rediscovered my heaven-- books! Books piled up in the corner just waiting for months to be read were finally given attention. I pored over them with a voracious appetite. It was time to refill the tank. My brain was just about empty and was in dire need of input, soul food, inspiration. "Me" time. A friend called it "selfish day", a closer friend called it "finding our own paths." Whatever circumstances brought this, I am just thankful. Now I was really forced to sit down and do nothing-- for my material mind but everything for my soul.

As I write this, the water running to and fro from our koi pond is the background music that accompanies me as I plunk on the noisy keys of the keyboard. Our koi, by the way have really grown big and the colors of the smaller ones are now more pronounced. Including their species--we're beginning to think the smaller ones are not really koi. We gave away Spar, our hammerhead shark to a friend since Garret relentlessly plays in the pond, kicking the water with all his might. Afraid that Spar might finally react violently, we thought it safer to give him away. Garret, by the way finally lost his other front tooth. For several weeks he looked so funny with the bucktooth face, his other tooth sticking out like that. Now he's back to his princely charmingly cute face. Morgan, on the other hand has a new-found love for carrot sticks and beans. (yes, blanched carrots and beans--"batong"). He munches on them like bugs bunny. Oh and he can eat two large french fries ordered from jollibee in one sitting-- more or less in just about 5 minutes. And just recently a new teacher came to the Sped Center for our new program. The boys responded to her very well. Of course, Morgan, feisty king that he is really gave this new teacher his perpetual skeptical look that forever says,"Who are you and why should I follow you?" before complying with anything. His "joint attention" was really on fire in that when the teacher tells him to do a task, he looks at me first as if to verify that what the teacher is asking him to do is right on the money. And then he looks back at the teacher and finally does the task. What a character this Morgan is! As I recount this episode in my mind many times over, I still cannot help but smile with all my heart at my clever, clever Morgan. My not-so-little prince of a son, Garret on the other hand, was very compliant during his first class. He followed every request, sat quietly and patiently and smiled after the session was done. Teacher Jo remarked, "buotan kaayu si Garret, Ma'am". (Garret is a very obedient child). Oh how my heart soared!

I remember talking to a parent a few days ago about acceptance. Accepting whatever we have been given, Autism, mild, moderate, severe, across the spectrum, delayed, and every mumbo- jumbo you could think about in the dictionary of this disorder, ADD (attention deficit disorder), ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder), GDD (global developmental delay, DS (down syndrome). In the course of our discussion, we reached some conclusion that one of the main hindrances to acceptance is how we tend to create dreams for our children. How we plan out and map out their future for them. We want them to be future lawyers, doctors, artists, so on and so forth, forgetting that yes, we may have brought them out of this world, but, they are their own persons, having their own unique personalities and capacities for achievement. And when we are slapped in the face by the reality of these disorders that are presented on a platter for us, we simply cannot take it. We cannot even bear to look at it. Because this was not supposed to happen. Because we had plans for our children. And what will happen to our plans? What will happen to our dreams?

As I've reiterated many times before, acceptance is a process, an everyday learning for me and for most parents as well. It's hard to unplug this hard-wired mentality from our psyches that we need to tell ourselves everyday, remind ourselves every day that it is okay. It's okay that my child has autism. It's okay that my child has ADD or ADHD. It's okay that my child is mentally delayed. It's okay that my child is differently abled. The underlying meaning here is actually-- It is okay that our dreams for our children won't come true. It's okay that other dreams will come into play. It's okay that he won't win medals in quiz bees, spelling bees, go to Ateneo or La Salle or university for that matter. It's okay that he won't be a lawyer, a doctor, an actor, a politician. It's okay that my plans for my child will be thrown away in the wind. It's okay to accept that there is a purpose beyond all this absurdity and craziness of the disorders. It's okay that even when I've enrolled my child into various kinds of classes and therapy, progress is slow yet constant at best. It's okay that the teachers do the best they can with the best resources and training they come up with. It's okay to realize that my role as a parent does not stop in providing for their basic needs but most especially with my child, I need to go beyond what is necessary and pay really close attention to my child, do the work at home that my therapists instruct me to do. It's okay to finally be humble enough to acknowledge that we are not in control of the universe, but we are in control in the choices we make for our children. It's okay to be stripped of our egos, our machismo pride and our false sense of self that most often than not connects to the "supposed" achievements of our children. Finally, the process of acceptance is all about saying to ourselves-- It's okay that my child has autism, add, adhd, gdd, is mentally delayed, is differently-abled because he is a gift from the heavens, no more and no less. And because of this-- I accept him or her for who and what he or she is no matter what. And I will love my child for as long as I have breath left in me.

I do not claim to be an expert at this whole acceptance matter. All I know is that I am still even learning myself everyday, from my boys, from autism, from everything. And what I am learning is that we can only understand our purpose in this life if we take the first steps to acceptance-- to learn to let go. To let go of our unreasonable expectations. To let go of what should be and to welcome the bouts of what can be-- What my children should become versus what they may become. What I should become as a parent, as a wife, husband, partner, man, woman versus What I can be capable of becoming. When we are able to do this, we are on our way to finding our joy. This, I think is what life is all about. Finding our joy. What are we passionate about? What makes us simply happy? What is our contentment? What is our joy?

In our quest for fulfillment and achievement, we forget the littlest things that do make us fulfilled and feel accomplished.

“While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.” Whoever created this beautiful quote certainly knew what he was talking about. Our children teaches us volumes of lessons. And we will only hear it when we learn to accept them for who they are.

What I said earlier about my brain tank turning empty you can almost hear it clanging is actually my joy tank hollering where am I ? Screaming into my ear, where is your joy? So this is why I had to unplug for quite a bit of a time. I think I am still unplugging now. Rediscovering who I am, what I have become, what my values are, what I can be capable of becoming. And I realize I need to do this not just for my children, for my wonderful boys. I need to do this for myself most especially. Because just as my two boys are gifts from heaven to be nourished and nurtured,I too am a gift from the universe to my family, to Garret and Morgan. And I need to nourish and nurture myself. And I need to ask myself the question, " Where is my joy?" to continuing on the quest to finding my joy. As much as I am in the process everyday of loving my children with an all encompassing acceptance, I realize with great wonderment that I need to accept myself too-- with fortitude and forgiveness for all my failings, my insecurities, my weaknesses, everything. When I am able to do this, when I can let go and accept myself, then I can love and nourish my soul the way it deserves to be nourished. And I will become a better person, a stronger woman, a more loving partner, certainly a better mother to my Garret and Morgan.

As I end this post, the water from the koi pond is still gurgling as the irater provides oxygen for the koi. Garret and Morgan are settling in for bedtime. I recall once again how Morgan raised his one eyebrow at his new teacher and Garret being very "buotan" and I smile with all my heart and liver (as Ketut Liyer emphatically said in Eat, Pray, Love) with the realization that I got exactly what I wished for in this life. My boys, oh my boys-- they are my joy.