The Answer

I still don't know if I have the correct answer much less a fixed answer to the question "Why?". As in "Why autism and why my son, why my family?" Because I think the answer has evolved over time and will still continue evolving. For the past 4 years, going through all the motions of facing autism, getting the diagnosis, doing the intervention, carrying on with our lives with more love, more patience, more endurance, more resilience, more courage and more fortitude, I may have found some answers.

As one therapist once revealed to me after evaluating my two boys for speech and language, "You do know why you were given Garret and Morgan, don't you? It is so that you can create a center for other children who needs special education." To be able to help other children with special needs, to help other parents and families who are battling the same challenges albeit in different forms, seems to be one of the answers to the question I have asked since then, "Why Autism and why my son?" Autism and my son, so that a center, a school, an accepting, loving place of learning can be created for others in the community who need it.

In a recent post I proudly announced how one of our kids at the Center has been mainstreamed last December and two more kids this school year. When one of the parents, came out of the rooms from a parent-teacher conference with our Sped teacher, and informed me how the neuro-developmental pediatrician has recommended her son to be mainstreamed, my heart was in knots with joy for her and her child, that I literally clapped my hands and was almost in tears. She may have mistaken my expression for a wistfulness for Garret perhaps, that he has not yet been included in mainstream education, that she remarked, "It's okay ma'am, time will come when it will be your turn too." And I hastily shrugged her comment off emphasizing that it didn't bother me at all and in fact I was truly very happy for her and her son. And I meant every word of it. Yesterday, after a long conversation with another mom at the center, she remarked how our Sped teacher commented after seeing her son dragging his stroller bag, in complete regular uniform, "You are already a school boy, Gabby." She choked on her words trying to hold back tears of joy at how her son has indeed have come so far. I marvel at the fact how the third kid has learned to greet me every time he sees me with a perfect English pronunciation of, "Hi Ma'am Bea, goodbye Ma'am Bea.", with an American accent, take note. I can only smile with all my might at his progress as well. Kudos to his mother who I know for a fact has painstakingly and lovingly followed through with all the intervention and showered him and his brother with all the love and acceptance, carrying on with all these while her husband works equally hard overseas. I recalled how these kids started out at the center a year ago-- hyperactive, lacking in impulse control, waiting and sitting skills were nowhere to be seen, focus and attention were everywhere in the room. And look where they are now. How far they have come! My heart is in my throat right now. Now I am the one all choked up holding back the tears as I write these words.

"Why autism, and why my son?" So that I can see the milestones these kids at the center have achieved, how far they have come. They are everyday miracles, gifts from the Universe, poignant reminders at how life is so beautifully crafted despite and in spite of all its mystery.

Why autism and why my family? So that I can see mothers and fathers beaming and all choked up with tears of utter joy and elation, all at the same time, at how their hard work has paid off, how it was all worth all the tears, the screaming, the almost giving up, the crying, the incomprehensible moments autism brings. So that I can see their joy and rejoice in their happiness, and know what pure joy is-- to be truly happy at another one's joy.

One of the Sped teachers at the center posted on her status update sometime last year, something that goes like this, "My passion are my students. They make me so happy." I'm not so sure if I got the exact words, but I'm sure you get the idea. Everyday, these teachers see their students in their brightest most behaved moments down to the worst possible kind of behavior, from the pinkness of health down to the worst of asthma attacks, they teach these kids like they were their own children, giving them tough love, laughter and humor. They teach them how to behave, focus, sit, wait, control their impulses, socialize appropriately. They embed in our kids volumes of lessons that can never be bought from toys 'r' us or any department store, they share the deepest kind of humanity and passion that cannot be measured by college diplomas and certificates. When our sped teachers see their students arrive, their eyes fire up spontaneously, like their day has just really begun to take light. I am so blessed to see this kind of passion everyday at our center. It reminds me of my own humanity, it makes me reach deep down into the very core of my being and scoop up that extra ounce of care and love that my boys and the other kids at the center need every day. Because they need to feel this humanity, this passion, this ability to care deeply from all around, most especially from their learning environment. So again, why autism, why my son? So that I can be more human-- so I can care more deeply and unselfishly pour out love and affection to my own boys and other special kids out there especially those who are discriminated against or are hidden from view. So that I can live my passion, as I am doing right now, writing these words.

Finally. Garret and Morgan have taught me a million lessons that I would never bargain for anything in the world. Everyday. Without fail. I have often asked my self, "If things were different, if things were "normal" in our lives, would I be the same hands-on mother that I am right now? Would I have the same values that I have acquired? Would I have the same strength and courage that I try to muster everyday?" The answer would always be "Probably not." What comes after this answer is usually, "Thank God, things are not "normal". Because I would rather have all the patience, endurance, resilience, fortitude, acceptance and love right now with autism teaching me all these, with my little Prince and feisty King embodying all these, enabling and persistently empowering me to live these values every day. Without fail.

So my final answer to Why autism and why my son? Why my family? Autism and my son and my family-- To teach me what it is to truly love, to teach me what courage is, to teach me what endurance is, to build me up as a person of character and worth, to teach me to think more than myself, that there is a bigger world out there, there are other people who are equally in need and not just myself,to do something about it, to reach out to other families struggling with similar seemingly insurmountable struggles, to serve a purpose greater than the self, to teach me what life is really all about-- thriving with love, fortitude, passion and purpose. Oh how I thank the Universe right now for this "disorder" called Autism. If anything, it has put my life into the best possible order and perspective.