Days Like These...

It's just one of those days where I'm in the "why" zone. One of the many moods and zones I go through being an autism mom. Right now I don't even want to call myself "warrior mom" as I profess myself to be. I'm in that place where nothing seems to make sense and I am on the verge of having a nervous break down even if I don't have time for it. And even thinking that I am still blessed and fortunate than many others, does not even seem to change my perspective. Judge me if you want. It doesn't make autism go away anyway. I am just asking the question, "why?". Why my boys? Why the task avoidance, why the frustration tolerance? Why the heightened sensitivities? Why?

"If your path is more difficult, it is because of your high calling." I read this on an fb wall of a fellow autism mom. And she commented to this effect, "Is there such thing as a low calling? Because if there is, I would very much take that over anything else right now." This exactly what I feel right now. If I could just scream like hell into a pillow or an empty room in the hopes that some logical answer might come. By logical I mean, something that could radically shift my mood, alter my "why" zone right now into the "What can I do about it? Because I will do it because I'm a warrior mom" zone.

Last night as I rocked my feisty king in the rocking chair so he could sleep, for the first time in a very long time, I prayed not for strength. I prayed for help. Literally asking all the angels looking out after us out there to help me. Because my load is too heavy. I did not ask for a strong back but for the load to be lifted literally off my aching tired shoulders. I am not complaining. I am just saying that I am tired. So could somebody, anybody, out there please help me? Because I cannot do it all. I cannot keep it together all the time. I cannot always find a reason to be grateful. I cannot always see the blessing behind the ugliness of autism. I just cannot. My prayer was not even that of letting go and letting the higher power do its work. My prayer was a demand to the heavens that please, if you could just spare me a little help down here, do something!!!

I'm a bit ashamed of what I am going through right now. Because there is so much to be thankful for. And I always have a choice-- to focus on what breaks me or what holds me together. I know that in my head, a bit too much, and in my heart, all too well. But you know how it is, knowing is different from actually doing it. Applying the theory, because of so many variables. So what else is there for me to do right now? Nothing. Because there is nothing I can do about autism. It's there. It's something I deal with, we all deal with everyday--tantrums, meltdowns, manipulative behaviors and all. I forget, there is one thing I can do just like what I did last night. Take out all the human variables and reasoning and logic. and Pray. I can pray.What to pray for? I don't even know anymore.

Can you pray with me and for me and for all the autism moms out there? I hope you do because we need all the answers we can get especially to the questions why, what and how. Why Autism, What can we do about it and how do we carry on? Prayers move mountains, my mom constantly reminds me. I know this. Maybe it's time I stop the knowing, the logic, the reasoning and start doing. And start praying.

Because maybe this thing that moves mountains will get me back on track and radically revert me back to my "warrior mom" mode. And I think I should stop the "maybe" thing going and start believing. Faith, yes, what I need right now, especially on days like these...