More than Okay, More than Enough

A hectic day yesterday at the sped center, with the neuro-developmental pediatrician doing 9 evaluations on children. In the afternoon with the evaluations still going on, our kids had to go to the main campus to have their group class/ birthday celebration of one of the kids. I, being the coordinator slash mother slash parent counselor slash organizer of both equally important activities had to do the best I could to somewhat facilitate both activities. So by 2 p.m., I had to leave Garret with his teachers and classmates during group class. With a crying Morgan, who had no intention of joining the group class, in tow, off we went back to the center. I had to check with how the evaluations were going. At around 3:15, I was finally done with explaining to the parent who was already done with the evaluation, our sped program at the center and her options for therapy. Explaining and part counseling actually. So anyway, we went back to the main campus and when I entered the room the kids were already seated eating their Jollibee spaghetti and hamburgers. I scanned the room for Garret and asked the teacher, "Teach, was Garret a good boy?" The teacher responded, "He did okay ma'am." I smiled relieved. I felt guilty leaving him even if it was just for awhile. And hearing the teacher's answer that he did okay, was more than enough to ease the guilt.

What does "okay" mean? If we take it literally, it means satisfactory. Not exceptionally good, but satisfactory. Same with the word, "fine" which in turn means again, satisfactory or in a pleasing manner.

Whenever a therapy session or sped class ends, the parent or caregiver usually asks the teacher or therapist, " Kumusta man akong anak, teach?" (How did my child do in class?) If no tantrums or meltdowns and he complied with most of the tasks given to him. Then the teacher would reply, "Okay man siya ron ma'am" (He did okay today). Or if the child did exceptionally well, a variation of "Okay kaayu siya karon mam." (He did very okay today). I pondered on this thought on why our sped teachers use this term. Why not say" he was a good boy today"? or Why not "he was a bad boy"? If indeed the child did not cooperate that much in class. I don't know if it is just us Filipinos who start teaching the very basic precepts of right and wrong by using the term "good" and "bad" actually assuming that if the child misbehaved or was not compliant, he is immediately labeled as a "bad" boy. Is it universal? I don't know. Anyway, the point that I am trying to get across is that, I think the term "okay" is actually turning out to be the most appropriate and best way to describe a child's performance in class or therapy. Obviously, it is the least of our kids' concerns to purposefully behave in a good or bad manner. Our kids on the spectrum are trying hard everyday to deal with the normal environment that their neuro-typical peers get adjusted to quite easily everyday. So when they do go to their therapy sessions or sped classes, they are doing the best they can with what skills they have in an environment they have no control of. There's this adage that says children never lie. And that they have the purest of souls. I believe this to be true. More so with our kids on the spectrum. So it is unfair to label them as being a "good" or "bad" boy or girl. It is just not right.

I was sharing to our senior high school students last week about how sometimes or even most of the times when kids with autism have tantrums or meltdowns especially in a public place, what we parent really want to say to those who are looking at the "scene of the crime" with judgmental eyes is this, "My child is not misbehaving. He has autism. Please understand." Our kids are not being "bad". They are trying hard. And maybe the times when their coping mechanisms are not enough, that's when they behave inappropriately. And to use the words bad, undisciplined, or other worse labels on them is unthinkable and simply unfair to our kids and to us parents who are doing the best we can.

In reality, this use of "good" and "bad" is like second nature to maybe most parents. Personally, I know I am making a mistake every time I do this. But it just rolled of my tongue quite easily when I asked my son's teacher whether my little prince was a good boy while I was back at the center and they proceeded with group class. When did I realize all this? After we got home and I bathed Garret. He was close to tears because he was already too tired and just wanted to lie down on his bed. The thought just struck me. Because I knew right there and then that he really did well in group class and was already tired. He did the best he can. (Naningkamot jud akong anak.)

Here's the full version of the teacher's answer:

"Was Garret a good boy, Teacher?"

"He did okay, ma'am. He just sat down and took his snacks. He got his biscuits and water from his own bag and sat down. Then he wanted more biscuits but he couldn't find any. He didn't complain but instead played happily with the door knob of the bathroom."

So the easing of the guilt was actually just a mere fraction of what I actually felt at that moment. I was elated, happy, overwhelmed, happily overwhelmed at the thought that my Garret did very well on his own, eating on his own and sitting down without complaining and everything! With everything going on, our little prince once more has shown how far he has come. He did okay. He did very very okay. I take back my question. Because I know that no matter what my son does, however he behaves, however he copes with everything in his environment, however he deals with the normal world, he is a good boy. No matter what. He did the best he could that afternoon. And it was enough. But how he did yesterday afternoon is never a measure of whether he was a good or bad boy. Because again, no matter what, my Garret, my little prince is and always will be a good boy. And if the situation was otherwise, if he had tantrums, or had a meltdown, I know in my heart that my son did the best he could with whatever strength and courage he had, with whatever coping mechanisms he had. To think of him as being bad if this were the situation is unthinkable, unfair and just not right.

Four days ago, I took photos of my little prince while he was playing at the koi pond. I wanted to capture his pure soul and innocence on camera. And when I looked at the 50 or so photos I took, only a handful even came close to what I wanted to capture. Maybe you really can't replicate such purity and innocence on a photograph. Maybe you just have to see it for yourself, in person, experience it yourself with all your heart , mind and soul. In the same manner, I should stop using the words "good" boy or "bad" boy when it comes to my boys. They are good souls, the purest ones. And these souls can never be measured by any label.

Garret did okay yesterday. Very okay, in fact. My boys are okay. This is enough. Pleasing manner or not so pleasing, they are doing the best they can. They are doing fine. They are strong, and brave. That is more than okay. This is more than enough joy for me.

What a blessed life I have!