Fast forward to college. 1998.In between classes I would usually kill the time at the library. Yes, I'm quite the geek, thank you very much. But not really, the library was just the most conducive place to hang out what with the air-conditioned facility with big tables, books, quietness. Did I mention big tables? This was not only for studying, you know, sleeping was one of the activities done in this conducive place for learning. Anyway, I'm getting off track here. Memories do that when they come in a barrage of flashbacks. Moving on. In my free time I would keep at it with my "poetry" or just writing words I felt like writing on my blank journal. Yes, there was no facebook yet during that time. Blogs were like from outer space for me. Internet was even an obscure concept for me. So journals and diaries were the ways to express my "creativity". In one of my presumably created poems, I wrote about how I would become a mom myself in the future and my little girl after a long day of playing at school would fall asleep on my lap and I would hum her a little song that would carry her into a deep slumber. At the time, I merely imagined what it would be like to finally be a mother. To hold a child in my arms. One to call my own. I read it again a few years ago, already with Garret in tow that time and I was amused at how cheesy my choice of words were. But at the same time I was amazed at how the emotions that brought forth that writing back then were as clear as they were in the present. Somehow I think even before I knew one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up was to become a mom.
July 2012. Last week. With Morgan's sleeping pattern gone awry and completely unpredictable, we have tried every possible strategy. Don't let him take naps in the afternoon so that he would sleep straight in the evenings. We'd have heavy work activities in the afternoon so that he would tire out. We would let the caregivers sleep beside the boys so that they won't have a chance to whine and make "langi" with mama around. Sometimes it worked, other times it just wouldn't. I've exhausted all reasoning, blaming all this on autism or is it just one of those "youngest sibling" syndrome manifestations that my little one wants all the attention. I don't know which is which already. Anyway, in one of our "strategies", with no nap for my king, we drove around the city. And what do you know? Morgan's eyes were getting droopier by the minute until he finally fell asleep. I positioned him gently on my lap. He curled up like a baby, breathing deeply. Snoring even. We drove around till the sun went down.
I realized, this is exactly what I wrote about many years ago in that college library.Having a little one curled up asleep on my lap. How deeply different it is to be the mother this time. How wonderfully different it is to be the one who lulls your child to sleep. I read once that one of the most beautiful joys you can ever experience is having a child fall asleep in your arms. Very true. I think it has something to do with that amazing power, that intuitive ability to be able to allow your child be in a restful state, to see your child in his most peaceful aura, to see one of the most defining moments of what you define as joy and the very purpose of your life as you know it. But most of all, I realized all at once this profound yet simple declaration, "I am a mother now." Of course it has been 8 years since I've been a mother. I realize that every single day. But to remember my musings way back when I had the least maturity and now with this reality. I am amazed. Mostly because motherhood has been so beautifully fulfilling, albeit bittersweet at times but beautiful always. One of the most amazingly life-changing experiences in a woman's life. To be able to care for another human being with all your heart and soul, body and mind (lawas ug katarungan). And more than anything, I realize with my heart in my throat this time, how blessed I am to mother my boys, Garret and Morgan, my two handsome, amazing pieces of royalty. They live and breathe the very essence of life itself-- mystery, uniqueness, pride, humility,kindness, compassion, courage, fortitude, love, above all. And to witness these every single day in my boys' faces asleep or kicking about in the day-- the Universe has been, and is, so good to me.
Even before I knew I was going to have a family of my own. Even my close friends from high school predicted that among the four of us, I would be the one to go through this journey first. How right they were. I knew that. They knew that. But what I didn't know was how my life was going to be changed so deeply, so profoundly, so resonantly, by being a family woman, by being a mother. And what I didn't know was that even if I was given a chance to change one thing in my life, this would definitely NOT be it. Even with autism in the picture.
Last night. July 6, 2012. I finally found a way to make my feisty king sleep. I carried him in my arms and bounced him as usual on the vestibular ball, but this time I sang to him a lullaby..."Rock a bye baby on the tree top...." It didn't matter that it was already past 12 midnight. Morgan finally fell asleep in my arms, breathing heavily, snoring just a bit. Transferring him to his bed, I breathed deeply. As I closed my eyes I once again thanked the universe for everything in my life. Looking over at my two boys, Garret on his bed on his tummy, Morgan on his back, the most peaceful look on their faces, just like a new born baby. So this is what it feels like to finally be a mother. Heavenly.
Postscript... We beat the sleep monster of autism last night...So this is what it is like to be a mother-- to find all ways and means to beat the crap out of whatever hurts or disturbs my boys' peace. Whether you call it autism or by some other name, motherhood beat the crap out of it last night. :-)
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