A Moment of Perfection

I sing, "The wheels on the bus go..."
Garret sings, "wownd and wownd
I sing, "Round and round"
He sings, "all through the town"
"The wipers on the bus..."
"Go wees wees wees"
"Swish swish swish"...
"All through the town..."

In another moment, Morgan cups my face in his hands, stares at me eyes twinkling, grinning, laughing. No words are said. Only embraces that become tighter the more he laughs his heart out. Until he catches his breath from our roughhousing.

This is how Garret and I converse. This is how we connect.  We sing.

This is how Morgan and I talk. This is how we connect. We embrace and play.

And when we do, it doesn't matter that we are repeating age old nursery rhymes and playing with no specific purpose in mind than just to sing and play. It may seem repetitive, boring, nonsensical, childish to others. But for me it is the most beautiful thing in the world. Because in those few precious moments, my little prince and feisty king are in my arms, looking at me intently, happy. And in those moments, we are connecting to each other through our own language. In those moments I know in my heart they know the love I have for them. In those precious, merciful moments, our world is perfect.

Isn't this all we really want in this life? Isn't this all we need in life?  To connect with somebody? With our dearest friends? To know we are not alone in our journeys no matter how different our baggage may be? With our life partner? To go through life with each other as anchors when the turbulent seas of life become rough. To be each others sails and be one others wind at the same time so we may become who we are meant to be. With our children? To know their deepest fears and aspirations, to let them know how we love them so much that they wouldn't even know what to do with the love we have for them?

Converse, discuss, dialogue, talk to each other about everything. Have a good conversation. The simple ones. Even the hard ones. Especially the hard ones. Face each other. Be vulnerable enough to show who you truly are. Be brave enough to see people as they really are. Laugh hard. Weep, if you must. Be angry if you should be. Don't turn in. Open your heart, arms outstretch, palms facing the skies. You may not get hurt with closed palms but  you can't catch all the miracles the Universe has intended for you either.

So go ahead, look to the people around you. Converse. Connect. Sing if you want. Hold a friend's hand if that is what is needed right now. I'm hoping you might have a piece of what I experience with my beautiful boys-- A moment of perfection. Every single day.

The Little Things

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. "
- Robert Brault.

Special needs parents know this too well. We live this quote every single day of our lives. We not only enjoy the "little things". We celebrate them. So here I am celebrating another "little thing". 

Lately Garret  has been naming his toys like this:

He picks up a toy, (star, hippo, airplane, etc.) brings it to me and says, "star" and does not stop until I stop what I'm doing and repeat after him.  With toys that he has difficulty naming, he does this:

He picks up 'octopus', brings it to me and says, "fa-yer" (flower). I say, "No Garret, Octopus." He says, "Fayer" again. And then says, "uh-tu-tu".

For hippo, he says, "doggy".

For airplane, he says "car". 

I wondered what made him name his toys this way. And then it came upon me that when you do look at the octopus, it does look like a flower with its tentacles spread all around. Come to think of it, the hippopotamus has four legs and some dogs do look like hippos. His toy airplane has wheels. Cars have wheels. Of course, it's a car. I could almost hear his voice say, "Duh, Mama."

How many victories to count in this story? Commenting. Imagination. Comparison.  Deduction? Where do I even begin?

Garret was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder on April 5, 2008.  In November 2011, Morgan, our youngest son was diagnosed with ASD as well. For the past six years, various challenges presented themselves to us, to say the least. But while the obstacles are many,  the blessings and milestones reached by my boys and myself are more numerous in our journey. Garret and Morgan have taught me more than I could ever teach them in this life. Courage, resilience, gratitude and a deeper appreciation of all the "small" things. 

As my boys have progressed  in countless ways, I have found the courage to find the light in every situation rather than dwell in the parts that Autism casts its shadow upon. It gets better. It really does. With the support and dedication of the "village" that raises my two boys--the teachers, therapists, family, friends near and even from other parts of the world, I realize how incredibly blessed my boys are, how blessed I am. And so with utmost gratitude and awe at the "little" things that my boys achieve, I do not hesitate to announce it to the entire world. Because we couldn't have come this far by ourselves. Perhaps, too,  the celebration of our "little" victories would inspire others who are in a similar journey to always keep doing the good work, keep fighting the good fight. 

With his charming eyes that just twinkle when he smiles, I have long ago decided to call Garret my little prince. Just like Antoine de Saint-Exupery's Little Prince, he teaches me to always look with my heart. Even when the dark days come, especially when the dark days come, it is only right to look at the world with the heart. And to grasp the purest joy I can find inside and to always choose the light. To choose to see and celebrate the milestones and not focus on the setbacks. To decide to marvel at how far we have come rather than furrow our brows at how far we still have to go. To appreciate the present rather than worry excessively about the uncertain future. 

I may call him our 'Little' prince but his courage to face the world everyday is great and the "little" milestones he reaches are nothing short of amazing. And I celebrate him and Morgan, our feisty king, every single day.

Why I call Morgan, our "Feisty King"? That will be for another post. Soon. 

“And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

 

Miracles, Gratitude and Celebration

We recently celebrated our 3rd year milestone of our Sped center. As usual I gave the welcome remarks. And it went on like this:

"If there are three things that I have learned from the three years that our center has grown into, having seen the kids grow and learn significant life skills, having shared the other parents' joys and growing pains over the triumphs and trials of raising kids on the spectrum, it is this: One, there are no small miracles. Two, to be grateful for everything. And three to always celebrate our children and life in general no matter what."

So many changes have transpired this end of the year. Our two teachers have moved on to another chapter in their lives. And our senior sped teacher will soon be starting a new life too. That leaves me with two new sped teachers and the imminent possibility of me being more hands-on with the training of the teachers and kids, and undergo more trainings in special education. I would have expected myself to be anxious about all these changes transpiring. And yet, all I feel is a sense of calm and peace that everything is happening as it should be. That everything will turn out okay because it is simply time. A season and reason for everything. And coincidentally, I have found an avenue that allowed me to unearth my old buried deep passion for poetry. But then again, having been through everything I've been through, coincidences don't belong in my vocabulary anymore. And for all this, I consider it to be a miracle, I am grateful and I am celebrating it everyday.

But the bulk of my purpose in this life has always been my boys. And of course this post will be about them and the many milestones they have been reaching. I realize it has been quite a long time since I last wrote about them save for intermittent Facebook status updates. But I've never been one to be contented with one-line phrases or one glance readings so here's a lengthy post if only to celebrate my boys yet again. Over and over again. So yeah, the above paragraphs are a mere introduction. Here's the real thing...;-)

Imitation. One very important learning skill, prerequisite to teaching functional communication. A challenge to most if not all children on the spectrum.

“In general, imitation is important because of the developing ability to construct internal representations of the behavior of others and to duplicate them. To imitate physically, the child must be able to perform at least three tasks: turn-taking, attending to the action, and replicating the action’s salient features” (Owens, 1996, 145).
http://www.speechpathologyguru.com/teaching-pre-communication-skills-to-children-with-autism-a119/


My boys face this challenge as well though it has improved over time. One clear although unconventional and perhaps incidental example? Just recently, Morgan has discovered that he can move my desk quite easily near the bed where he'll be able to cross from the desk to the bed in semi-jump. Until the semi-jump became one full-blown, hands in the air, unmistakeable grin-on-his-face jump. Garret then followed suit and in just a few seconds had his own improvisations-- climbing up to the window sill, hanging on to the window frames for balance, turning around and jumping full body on to the mattress not unlike the one you see on the old Nestea commercials. The mattress seemed to be a better choice than the good old trampoline. After which of course, Morgan imitated his big brother. The two of them taking turns unprompted, patiently waiting for one to finish jumping before taking his turn. This has been their nightly ritual, their form of play, their happy place-- still no clear verbal language to each other and yet the understanding that they have with each other is crystal clear and perfect. This morning at the center as the caregiver and during the break, as usual, Garret climbed up the railing of the stairs, both feet on the lower railing, arms outstretched balancing. Yep, this is normal for us. I have long stopped having a mini heart attack when I see this sight. You just get used to it, you know. And what do you know, the Morgan calmly took his place up there too once Garret came down, once again imitating his big brother. I smile now amused at the thought that if my boys would have been neurotypical, it is but natural to scold the older sibling for modeling such "bad behavior" that the younger siblings would ultimately and always follow. But thank God, they're not neurotypical. You ask, "Why thank God? Shouldn't you be wistful and wishing they were?" Well, no, because otherwise I wouldn't have noticed the little itty bitty milestone that some if not most normal parents take for granted-- my boys overcoming the challenge of the simple task of imitation. Oh how they do imitate now!!! Of course, I do realize, this is just one part of the even greater challenge in improving their communication. But this is no less important.

Another thing that strikes me as I watch my boys everyday is how their interaction with each other have grown considerably. Take this for instance, Garret does not like to play in our koi pond turned ordinary mini-swimming pool, alone. He patiently, oh ever so patiently waits for his little brother to wake up from his afternoon nap and when he does, practically pulls Morgan out from the room and out to the pond. And when they do play and frolic in the water, I can see clearly how it's not just parallel play. They have moments where they communicate in their own way. Morgan spontaneously hugs his kuya. And Garret looks at the pink chubby cheeks of Morgan and pinches it smiling. Garret plunging into the water, Morgan observing his big bro and imitates him. Taking turns. Doing it together. Having fun together. It is one of the many things I live for everyday--seeing my boys playing with each other and actually having a language of their own. Their own little world. Their happy place. But most of all, when I see them, all I see love emanating from their souls. The kind you see that's simply untarnished, pure, raw for whatever they comprehend about it and however they show it. Long before they were both born, I had an idea how my life would be fulfilling having both of them. What an understatement that was. Little did I know what I was in for. I was in for one tremendous love that just fills your heart and soul with the kind of raw, overwhelming emotion that breaks and bursts your heart with a force that you think you will literally explode. And as I always say, I'm gonna need a new heart. Despite all my misgivings, heaven help me, the universe have still been merciful to have blessed me with this kind of joy every single day. Every single day, I think to myself I must have done something right in my life.


This morning with Morgan in my arms mouth slightly open, softly snoring. Yes, the kind of cuteness that just breaks your heart again and again. I hold his right hand stroking his palm and fingers, breathing in the smell of my king. And as I breathed, my chest just warmed involuntarily with the sudden thought, this right here, my boys, this is my joy. And I could not and should not ask for anything more. Garret snores softly as well in the other bed with his papa. Everything was quiet save for the mayas announcing the break of day outside. In the early hours of the day, my mind is quiet as well, save for my prayer, my declaration, an admission of humility--


Every day is a miracle day. And for this I am grateful. And for this I celebrate my boys. I celebrate my purpose in this life. I celebrate my life.

My Prayer for Today

"Garret, please bring these to the kitchen.", I requested of my little prince this morning, referring to the biscuits and water bottle in our room from the night before. He willingly took it from me and brought it to the kitchen as I went back inside to our room to finish making the bed. As I was tugging the corners of the bed sheet, a thought tugged at the corners of my heart as well --My little prince can already do what is requested of him. Translation- do simple chores, or help around the house, or simply help me as I am cleaning up our room. What a wonderful thought, I realized. But then again, this milestone of his is just one of many wonderful things that we have been blessed with.

Everyday miracles and life lessons have come tumbling out and so overwhelmed I have been that the only way I have written about it was to declare it on FB as my status. Short, brief sentences that aptly describe the moments as I remember it clearly. Posting it right away for fear that it will dissipate into some faded memory.

I remember sometime around March last year how I had just begun writing this blog, when it seemed as if words just came rolling out, my mom , in one of our many conversations asked me and later admonished me, "How is your prayer life? Don't forget to pray, Bea. Remember that it is in prayer that you draw your strength and wisdom as a mom and as a wife." I responded to her, "Mom, when I write, I am speaking to God. This is my prayer."

Of course, all the FB statuses I posted was all filled with the intention of consolidating it later on into one lengthy prose, or blog post as we call it nowadays. Or, remembering how I answered my mom-- one lengthy conversation with my God, one long prayer of gratitude.

How do I begin?

Do I begin by narrating again such wonderful moments to relive the magic and beauty in all of it? Nah, too redundant. Then again, I believe gratitude can never be redundant. Being grateful for every blessing I have been given can never be enough. And who is to say that prayers need to be filled with only one request and one thanksgiving, and should be said only once?

So here goes.

Thank you God, Heavens, Universe for moments like these:

Garret learning to eat on his own, returning his plate to the kitchen.
Garret learning to share his toys with Morgan, learning to be a big brother.
Garret exploring different textures of food, eating the french toast I made, eating breakfast with us.
Garret learning to be compliant, obedient, behaved in different places as when his papa took him to a Rotary event at a public high school. Garret just sitting down, observing the people and his surroundings.
Garret recognizing the letters of his own name, and writing it with so much enthusiasm and fervor that the walls of our home boast of the artistry of his handwriting, the beauty of his name.
Garret singing not unlike the cherubim with such effortless grace, with such pure harmony.
Garret dancing to a hip hop soundtrack to the movie we watched last night.
Garret responding (echolalic or not, I don't really care) to my I love you with a clear "YOU."

Morgan learning to sit through the entire sped class without whining or crying.
Morgan learning to carry his own backpack, removing his own shoes and putting it on the shoe rack at school.
Morgan happily imitating the actions of his teachers during circle time. "Sit down, sit down, we're rocking the boat..."
Morgan mastering the shapes of his mickey mouse form board.
Morgan learning to play with water in his mouth, gargle and spit (motor planning skills)
Morgan saying, "Go" for when he wants to go home or go out to play in the garden.
Morgan, while waiting for his papa to pick us up from school saying, "An-doo" (for his papa Andro)
Morgan calling my name "Bea (Bee-ya)" when I wasn't around as if looking for me, asking where I was.
Morgan pouting his lips for a kiss or puffing his cheek when I ask him for a kiss.
Morgan calling me "momma" in beautifully rare moments.

The list does not stop here. Miracles happen everyday. As my two boys have taught me this one poignant truth among many, I in turn am grateful for all the little things, everyday miracles that make up my world, that create my life, that beautifully design our life.

While autism is a clear and everyday reality for our family, we've finally learned that one important thing that will allow us to live out the greatest gratitude of all to the heavens, more than poetry, prose or blog post, it is this lesson, this decision that we've come to make, this life perspective-- we cannot let our fear of the future for our boys,the challenges that we face everyday overshadow the amazing miracles that happen day by single day. Rhonda Byrne said and I quote, "Life does not happen to you, it responds to you." The quality of our life is not a result of fate or circumstance. It is a result of our attitude towards life, it is the consequence of our everyday decision to accept whatever there is to accept about autism, do what we can about it, help our boys the best way we can for them to survive in this world and carry on with life with awe and wonder and a joyful and grateful heart.

So as I have challenged Autism many times before with a bullheaded, angry pride, I say this now with a more calm and discerning tone and disposition, "Is that all you've got, Autism? Because THIS is what we got. So why don't you bring it on? :-)" (Yes, complete with a smiley face.)

Some of my readers commented how they were always in tears reading my posts, probably because they were feeling the pain I wanted to express while experiencing one of the dark days of autism, especially those days where nothing really made sense. Well, now, I think I can say, every once in a while even through the thickest and gloomiest of clouds, the sun breaks through. I can't say I've come or my family and I have come full circle because there is still more to life. We are still young. And we still have numerous lessons to learn. But I think I can say we've taken the first step, breaking the shell of our pride and human wisdom and entering into this world of wonder, joy and gratitude-- the beautiful world of our two beautiful boys, our two royalties little Prince Garret and our feisty king Morgan.


"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding...And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy." -Kahlil Gibran-


My prayer for today-- Thank you God for everyday miracles. I am in awe. My heart is filled with joy. I am and will eternally be grateful.