Silang Duha Gyud

"Ang duha jud Ma'am noh?" is the usual comment when people know that my two boys have autism.

Many years ago this statement would have added to my depression. Now, I answer with a light heart, "Oo, silang duha." Both of them. Garret and Morgan have Autism. Which only means that I get double the lightness of their being, the pureness of their heart. This is not to say that our life is all rainbows and sunshine. Far from it. It is dark clouds and thunderstorms. It is humidity at its worst. It is darkness as well.

Garret and Morgan have different personalities which makes our life more interesting. Morgan is the Yin. Garret is the Yang. Sometimes they switch. When I think about it I marvel at how beautiful it is that the Universe decided to give us these-Two sides of the coin. Two parts of a whole. Darkness and Light. Both of them teach me that everyday is a chance to be brave, to show up, to savor and be grateful for every little moment that is and always will be a miracle.

"How do you do it?" is another question that I often hear as well. Many years ago I would have broken down and wept and be overcome with fear and uncertainty . Now I break my heart open easily for all to see and say, "It is simple. I do love. For both of them. All the time."

Silang duha gyud. Both of them no less. I say this now with a light heart because I know now how to do it. How I have been doing this everyday living and thriving with autism in our blessed life--Love and always love.

"When you find out that there was never anything in the dark side to be afraid of....nothing is left but to love." - Alan Watts

Every Piece of My Heart

Dear Garret,

       Papa and I named you after the meaning, "Bold Spear". On this day 14 years ago, you were pulled out from my womb and have been manifesting the boldness of your spirit ever since. Boldness in your willfulness, boldness in your kindness, boldness of your entire being. A spear in every way that every thing you do pierce through the heart of everything living and breathing. That you have autism is no coincidence nor plight. It is what the Universe has gifted us with so you may feel the world more deeply, that you may laugh as if there was no end, weep intensely, work harder than any other human being for skills so nonchalantly appreciated by others, be angry and frustrated immensely, embrace stillness and silence beautifully, but most of all love tremendously.

       When I wrote our poem, Pieces, we were in this precariously dark place. You and I both. I still remember very clearly that day it occurred. I remember the beginning like an impending overture of a musical, the middle with our grappling for reason, for sense in its simplest form in this world of ours that seem complicated and at its core, hard,  But I remember most of all the end where we ended up in each other's arms, my arms that were already weakened, yours holding on to my body with the strength more than a human being your years and our tears, an immense overflow of liquid on both our cheeks. I had no answers back then to the question, "Why?"  as in "Why everything?" I have one now. And it has been here all along, I realized--

"I have no
answers
But this--
Every piece
of my heart."

       So you can have my entire being, my sweetest dearest little prince. Always and until the end of time. And this is the beautiful song of our life. Of your coming to be in this great big Universe.

       Now on your 14th year of life, Garret, may you be this bold spear that Papa and I named you after.  That you may pierce through every life you come across with in the pureness of your being, in the strength of your willfulness, in the magnanimity of your heart.     

     
       Every piece, Garret, every single one,

       Mama Bea