No Stone Unturned

I arrived late at the Sped Center for the Senior Students' Career Talk on Special Education. As per my instruction, Teacher Loiz and Teacher Prinzer had already started their speech to the students and all were rapt with attention. Weeks before, they also got to listen to a Speech and Language Pathologist talk about Speech Therapy as a career, and a Special Education Student who was also a graduate of St. Paul's School.

Apart from this being a part of the Guidance program of the school, I ultimately had a hidden agenda why I had to give them a first-hand experience or at least a concise glimpse of the world of Special Needs. Understandably, I wanted just even one or two of these students to consider taking up Occupational Therapy or Special Education because my children need them. Many parents need therapists and special ed teachers for their kids. For how long? Well for some, a few years, for others, quite a long time. The unfortunate reality especially in our country, is that these graduates eventually prefer to work abroad because of the better pay and working conditions. I do not blame them for their choices. They too are trying to make a living and a comfortable life for themselves and their families. Well, so am I. I am striving to make my boys' life as comfortable and as secure as possible. And if I have to use my influence to convince these 16-year olds who are already deciding the career path for themselves, deciding their future professions, then I will. I intend to leave no stone unturned. Even if they choose to work outside Ormoc or even outside the country, then I will still have done my part in helping our world of special needs.

Teacher Loiz and Teacher Prinzer shared to the students on the importance of acceptance and a non-judgmental attitude towards special kids and adults. And the stigma attached to being a special child. Discrimination, bullying and disrespect were also three of the many issues the sped teachers emphasized. They also briefly discussed ten things they ought to know about Autism. And later they summed up the calling and commitment that a Special Educator needs to have to be truly a great teacher. The students had several questions. One of which was, "Will these special children ever be able to go to a regular school?" This was fairly easy to answer so I explained to them the spectrum of the Autism Disorder how some high functioning kids do get to be enrolled in the mainstream, but that the school should also be prepared to welcome these kids into their regular classrooms. I also explained to them how the kids on the other end or in the blurry areas of the spectrum will perhaps never be able to go to a regular normal school. And our goals for the children in this group is mainly for them to be independent, so they can bathe themselves, dress themselves, feed themselves, cross the street by themselves, and in the future make a simple living perhaps. The seniors nodded in understanding. Did I answer their question? I certainly hope my answer satisfied their query that goes beyond nodding. I badly wanted them to understand the gravity and importance of Special Education.

Another question came up. The Computer Teacher who accompanied them, Sir Edgar asked, "Do they know that they are special? Are they aware, Ma'am, that they have this particular kind of disability?" It took me awhile to consider it. Because this was the first time that I was actually confronted with this kind of question. I collected my thoughts and this was how I responded, " Do they really need to know that they are different from others? And if so, would it matter to them? From the moment they were born, what they know of is the world that they are currently living in. And what would it do to them if they were told that you have this kind of disability so on and so forth? Maybe with the proper guidance and help from people, they are able to blend into the norms of social conduct perhaps after being aware. Perhaps it will help them learn to say "sorry" after being unintentionally rude as in some cases for children or adults with Aspergers Syndrome. Well, it is the parent's decision to tell their children. But seriously, we all know it doesn't really matter if they know they are different. We all are anyway. Maybe our children's differences are just more marked than the normal ones"

But, really, I believe that all they need to know in this life is that they are loved, that there will be difficult times, but they can get through it. They may be different, but it doesn't change the fact that they are truly, truly loved for who and what they are. I further explained to them, "Coming from a personal place, you all need to understand how Garret is more than his Autism. He is not just autistic. He is many other beautiful, wonderful, quirky amazing things. And you need to have eyes to see beyond the faces of these special kids. They are more than their weirdness or quirkiness or disabilities. So it just does NOT matter if he knows he has autism or not. It just doesn't.

I hope I got through to them. "Did I answer your question, Sir Edgar?" I wanted to be validated. I wanted to give them the right answers because this was a very important concern for me. If I did answer his question then perhaps I can feel I have made that step in furthering the awareness and creating a sense of social responsibility of these teenagers who will soon be adults in the real world of normality. I heaved a sigh of relief when Sir Edgar responded, "Yes Ma'am.".

Finally it was time to end the Career Talk. I didn't plan on giving any closing speech or anything, but I did. And words were not only the one given away.

"The main reason that I wanted you guys to really have a glimpse into the world of special needs, our world, Garret's world is because we need you. I need you. We need individuals who will be future special educators or therapists who will make a significant impact on the lives of our children, teach them the simplest things on how to survive and perhaps learn the very simple ABC's or 123's. And if you won't be teachers or therapists because it's not in your heart, it's okay. But if you can look at a special child now and see him with new eyes and are able to accept him and see him as a miracle, then that's all we need. That's all we really need. The other reason that I started your career program with the special needs profession is because I need to tell you how lucky and how fortunate you are. You have skills and abilities that will get you through your academic life, let you march down the aisle with your diplomas. You have the power to create your future, plan out your path, achieve your dreams. Kaya ninyo ni tanan. (You can do it.) You can be whatever you want to be. In our case, the dreams I have for my Garret will remain as dreams. I wanted him to be a theater performer or a writer. But apparently, God has a different plan, different set of dreams for him. I won't be able to see him hold a diploma. And I've come to accept the fact that we will grow old together. You, on the other hand have the ability to plan out your entire life and make all your dreams come true. You can make it happen. So make it happen. But most importantly, and perhaps the most important thing of all, you can express how you feel through words. You can say "I love you.", "I'm sorry." "Thank you." You can say it because you are given the ability to speak. So please speak. When you go home to your parents, please tell them how much you love them. Tell them how much they mean to you. I don't know if Garret will be ever able to say "I love you" to me and his papa. But of course he says it in so many non verbal ways.

And look at the person sitting beside you right now, your friends. They say the best years in life are in high school because it is usually where friendships for life are formed and carved in stone. I don't know if Garret will ever be able to have a best friend like you do. But you have them right now. So appreciate them. Every single day. Tell the people you love that you love them because you simply can tell them. See how blessed you are. There are no limits to what you can become. You can be whoever and whatever you want to be."

As I spoke these words, of course, it didn't come out as eloquently as you may have imagined. I may have a gift of the written word but not so much with the actual talking more so with the emotional lump in my throat all the while I was ending the talk. Again, I hope I got through to them, if not many but at least some. The senior boys were actually silent and some of the girls were starting to well up with tears. But I think the most important validation of all for me, for the sped teachers and for the special needs community is when even just one person's perception is changed when he looks at a special child with love, understanding and acceptance. When even just one person has come to better appreciate the life that he is given simply because he realizes that he is blessed with many blessings that other people do not have. When a person is able to live a very thankful life, this is our greatest validation.

When one becomes a mother, or a parent for that matter (not leaving you out, fathers, of course) your whole life changes. Your perspectives change. Your priorities change. Your choices change. But the most important change of all, I think is when you realize with all your mind, heart and soul , LAWAS ug KATARONGAN, that you will leave NO STONE UNTURNED for your children. There cannot be any room for mediocre effort. There is no such thing as half-baked love, no such thing as weak striving. You are then able to experience and learn what UNCONDITIONAL LOVE truly is. You realize how your heart was broken by some old boyfriend or girlfriend in the past and that it was just a prick of a needle compared to how you feel when you just imagine your own child being hurt by the cruelties and realities of life. And you find yourself every single day purposefully LEAVING NO STONE UNTURNED for your children.

There are numerous battles I am facing right now, just like any other human being who has decided to enter into this amazing world of parenthood. And I think the light at the end of the tunnel is still far away. But a friend just reminded me how I am a warrior and how I have so many things to teach people. How I am enough as a person. How I must not accept defeat and pain. I am strengthened once again to carry on. Garret and Morgan need me to be at my best every single day and I cannot leave any stone unturned, even if it just means convincing a few students to be a special educator or a therapist. But I think, the greatest act of "warrior-hood" I can give my two boys is simply to be thankful for what I have, to be strong and not be overpowered by the battles I am facing and to carry on and not give up and have faith that the Universe has a plan greater beyond all imaginings and to trust in that plan.