We were on the road to the Monastery of St. Clare where a shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe is mounted on top of the hill. This is our usual Sunday morning routine with the boys. Garret so loves staying up there for 20-30 minutes at least. It is the one of the very few times where he does not mind the staying-put & doing-nothing situation. On our trek up the steep stairs, he was already grinning from ear to ear. I firmly hold his right hand, he searches for his papa's hand, but finds Morgan's chubby foot instead. Andro was carrying Morgan on the way up. He contents himself with holding on to his brother's limb. And when we reached the top, he quickly goes to the vase of flowers anticipating some water left in the pot. This is one of the many things that calms him-- water. Water rippling, flowing, light shining through the water, his reflection perhaps? When he sees that flowers crowd over the water, he attempts to pull the flowers. I said, "No, Garret, that's for Mama Mary." He quickly withdraws his hand. There is a slight drizzle and the wind blows very gently. Morgan,as usual, the naughty one, wriggles down his father's grasp and starts to explore the place, his yaya at the ready. Garret then sits down between his father and me on the steps just below the statue. He gazes into the horizon already smiling. Mountains, plants, trees, oh and the sky, the great blue sky with the wispy white clouds bask our eyes. Andro and I fell quiet. Garret giggles quietly and flaps his hands toward the scenery. He remains seated with no other movements save for his stimming. It is as if he has come to a different place. It is as if God was there talking to him.
In my darkest hours, I have often asked God even screamed my prayers asking whether he has a plan that I know nothing of for my son and my family. And I could hear no answers, no voice, no wisdom, no nothing. Only my cries of desperation. When I finally get exhausted and could weep no more, time and again, I could hear whispering, "Just let it go. Let me do it for you. Do not think anymore. Let me carry your load...if you could just let go." It is in silence that I could hear angels comforting me.
Looking at Garret now being in this different, strange place, sitting down, being quiet, smiling, taking in all of the wind, the smell of the trees, vision of mountains, it was as if he was teaching me once again, " Mama, this is how you must pray. See how God easily talks to me?"
I closed my eyes and breathed in the mountain air deeply, the wind still blowing. This time there were no screamed prayers or cries of desperation. Only chants of thanksgiving filled my mind, "Thank you God for this moment. Thank you God for all this beauty. Thank you God for this peace. Thank you for everything, my family, my partner, Andro, our little prince, Garret and our feisty king Morgan."
When I finally opened my eyes, Morgan was already eager to go down perhaps wanting to down another bottle of milk. So Andro said, "Alright, let's go home now." "Come, Garret.", I called to him. He immediately stood up and held on to my hand and we walked down the steps. "Very good following, Garret." I praised him for not resisting as he usually does when it's time to end something he is enjoying. "He and God are probably done talking.", Andro surmised. I turned to our little prince with a questioning look. He just smiled and continued to walk happily down the steps.
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